what is there to say?

being here for break is boring and lonely, but maybe its constructive. the past few weeks have been so conflated, drama, pain, papers, mid terms. nows a good time to be able to just sit by the waterfall and figure things out. that sounds like a bad fortune cookie.

but sitting alone in the woods, writing, having my space, perhaps is all good. ive been able to be happy on my own this semester. its the work, lack of motivation, and lack of anyone i feel a truly strong connection with here at bard. sometimes it all just feels so meaningless, the things we do. i miss having people i care about to talk to, really talk to. beyond the nuts and bolts of the day, people to share thoughts with. to philosophize, theorize, speculate, observe, examine, explore, find everything beautiful. why do i feel so alone at wanting to have that connection? my therapist once told me a year and a half ago that i have high standards for people. that i so desire intimate and deep connections with people, that i just assume everyone else wants the same thing. that apparently that makes me ahead of my time/age. but in the end of the day, id rather have a small handful of good friends i can share the universe of my thoughts with than a million everyday friendships. not that i dont value those either, and theres a time and a place for all, but, if it came to push to shove...

i think the smiths's lyrics sum it up for me, or, something not quite like it, but good enough. ive forgotten how much a good book or two and good music can feed a starved soul. ive been consuming the worlds/words of italo calvino and murakami, how interesting that they write the way i think.

"Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I ?

Coyness is nice, and
Coyness can stop you
From saying all the things in
Life you'd like to

So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
ASK ME - I WON'T SAY "NO" - HOW COULD I ?

Spending warm Summer days indoors
Writing frightening verse
To a buck-toothed girl in Luxembourg

ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME

Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together

Nature is a language - can't you read ?
Nature is a language - can't you read ?

SO ... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME

Because if it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb, the Bomb
That will bring us together

If it's not Love
Then it's the Bomb
Then it's the Bomb
That will bring us together

SO ... ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
ASK ME, ASK ME, ASK ME
Oh, la ... "

warm summer days indeed. the other day i saw a few deer in the woods. i decided to follow them.

i found a giant book in the library about protists and the 17th century.

yes, i miss it. all. im reading "Love Canal: The Story Continues" by Lois Gibbs. Its her powerful recollection of how a normally shy woman, with no experience organizing or in health, when pressed with the harm of her children, started an enormous grassroots effort. the moral of her book, she more or less says, is the story of how, when pushed and faced with the harm of the things they care about, the small can rise and do anything.

times like these, i feel i can do anything too. i am working at CHEJ this summer. i have earned the respect of my professors. i did my own research in brazil. i can speak portugues pretty well. i am an incredibly chill guy. i am patient, and willing to see the best in people, sometimes too much. ive learned the dangers of giving people the benefit of the doubt all the time, but deep down hold that people will be good. i tend to believe things will work out, even though i have a hard time seeing this at first. i am getting good at jujitsu. i am willing to work incredibly hard for things and people if need be. i work hard and throw myself into everything i do, knowing that i will stumble across something sooner than later that i become passionate and interested in. it always happens. i am organized and know what i want. vamos agora.