a great christmas
family, too much time playing pokemon while eating muffins, watching stepbrothers, driving, laughing as a family together, holiday hellos from friends, and a new pile of books to read.

The Elephant Vanishes by Murakami
The Hungry Tide by Ghosh
Biography of a Germ by Karlen
Symbiotic Planet by Margulis
Cosmicomics by Calvino
Art Forms from Nature by Haekel

i also spent xmas eve looking up internships, like a freak
The Center for Health, Environment, and Justice
Environmental Law Institute
WE ACT
Ceres
Beyond Pesticides
Cary Institute REU

who knows? ill be doing apps for these in the meantime.

a merry holidays to all. this is quite nice.

how different am i?
i dont know. tell me.
there's this overwhelming inner sense of capability and hope.
i actually listen to and trust myself in what i say and think.
challenges excite me.
overall, i feel a lack of the kind of fear to act that would have gripped me before brazil.
even my host mother thought i was quite different from the period she finally met me to my final days there.
brazil taught me that faith that the world works out is crucial.
nobody is the center of it, and everything works out, somehow.
which ive been trying to apply. to live in the moment. to stop trying to plan and control anything.
which leads to happiness and defeats, for sure.
i want motion. speed. change. nothing fixed. up in the air. friction.
fears are just barriers set up for us to push them down.
somebody can show us the way, but its our job to plow through them.
in a way im grateful to SIT for being so disorganized.
it made us do everything ourselves.
initiative.
and its helped me to find the independence i wanted. the strength i knew was in there.
for the first time in so long i feel i can do anything.
not everything. just, anything.
there's this wonderful little quote at the end of Italo Calvinho's Baron in the Trees:
"only by being so frankly himself as he was till his death could he give something to all"
its something i quarrel with on my return home.
ive always found myself, on return from such things as this, coming back refreshed, renewed.
and then slowly, it slips away as i find myself slipping to be the way people imagined i was.
i vowed after the last time to not let that happen.
and stubbornly, am sticking to myself, now actually having a sense of who/what that means and is.
how do you stay to yourself while still reaching out to the people you care about?
and what if that is too late?
i made wonderful friends in brazil. really wonderful. who i know i will keep in touch with,
and we will always share the connection of the giant rite of passage that was the semester.
but whats the worth if you end up losing the same connections with others?
or really, how do you reconcile the two worlds?

merry christmas and happy holidays.

back in america. ate a cheesesteak the other night with hibby and keej. learned that everybody is also obsessed with mgmt and kids here. awesome. theres no acai, acerola, goiaba, etc here. depressed. its also very cold. it was 95 every day in belem. needless to say i now have a cold. been reading the invisible pyramid. if i could find my old copy of the phantom tollbooth i would read that too. next is the bookseller of kabul. i have a pile next to the massage chair. theres also a spot for my tea cup. been working out too. no ju jitsu, not enough time. leave jan 4th for ecosystem ecology. will bum around vassar and nyc until bard starts. need to buy a jump rope. going to get my hair trimmed today. i can drive. go grocery shopping. i hope this post is a good example of the state of my mind right now. talk about liminality.

thursday im heading up to bard with larkin's parents and will hang there for the night. it will be really good to see people.

its very weird to be home. both happy to be back, but also miserable not to still be there. but then again, it was mostly the people there who made it what it was. to be back in amazonia right now on my own would be a completely different experience.

last day in Belem. but first, listen to this, and tell me it isnt the most beautiful thing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qPvJ8FAEg4

im going to miss it here. despite times where ive hated it and been frustrated. deep down, i love it all. i want to come back here with you, whoever is reading. show you why buying a cup of acerola juice can make my day. to buy fresh coconut water. pass by salgado stands. do the gringo run across the street. get frustrated with the brazil whistle. today i got some avacate juice. great. last night was wonderful. getting fresh juice makes it even better. today maura was asking me if i feel like a different person than the one who arrived in Amazonia. she thinks so. i agree. com certeza. im about to go out with her and diego to buy last minute presents. dont talk to me about packing my suitcase tonight. i dont want to think about it. i dont know how successful it will be. ive bought too much. comprei de mais...

when will my next time to speak portuguese actually be? today is so bittersweet on so many levels. so many good things coming to an end. unless i can find a way to make them live on back home. i have a thing of guarana powder im excited about. dammit. im not ready to be home. i am, but im just not ready to leave. or, i just wish we had another free day here. theres too much to do. i might never see my host family ever again, more likely than not. i only have a few more hours with them, you know? damn you simon and garfunkel, and the random guy on youtube who sings it in the way i imagine it being sung. i will lay me down.

im going to go home, set up my hammock, pretend i am back on the boat trip aka the greatest week ever and read the phantom tollbooth. its moments like that from the trip i will miss so much. so much has happened in the past 4 months its insane to think about it. there is so much. and all of it has been helpful. wonderful. beautiful. empowering. and the harder its been, the more rewarding its been in the long run. because i overcame all of my obstacles and bumps in the road on my own. i have found my independence and inner strength to accomplish what i need to. and although its mildly dormant within me, i can feel the presence of somebody who knows they can handle whatever life throws at them. because thats what i did. and stepped up to the task.

im going to learn how to play the portuguese cover of bridge over troubled water on guitar, ive decided. i like my voice in portuguese better. i dont think nancy scheper-hughes was right. i dont think its about a desperate search to find meaning somewhere outside of your normal life. the contrast is part of the process and the beauty. i thought i would find everything i wanted, that comfort of a different culture that perhaps would get me better, here in brazil. i found something in brazil. but very diffierent. because what i found wasnt a feeling on finally belonging at all. but realizing the steps within myself. realizing what culture even really is. realizing that everything ive been looking for is right back home, but its also here, and its also everywhere else in the world i havent been. its no one place thats right for me or anyone. its about putting all those little pieces together and seeing what you can make out of it.

man. crazy stuff. i wish i didnt bring all these books to brazil. no point

Does this have to be the price of modernity: water pollution, community needs, and organizational support in Sao Luis

“…even if our hopes are misplaced, however, and the specific disease control and health outcomes we seek are not achieved, fundamental requirements of the ecosystem approach for open and democratic communication, tolerance, negotiation, and ecological awareness will surely have made the effort worthwhile” –David Walter-Toews (2001, 21)

besides the shoddy powerpoint i just whipped together for tomorrow afternoon, i am officially done with ISP.

which is nice. im mildly content with that i ended up writing, which is more than most of the group is expressing. or at least, those who actually turned it in today...

this means my friday night, saturday, sunday, and monday are my last free days here. when the hell did that happen? sunday theres some last minute shopping to be done. but...gah.

will be in the philly airport in a week. how weird. wrestling tournament? philadelphia? west chester? fennarios? cheessteak? hot wings? some element of patience? people who say excuse me instead of "pstttt"?

no but i really will miss brazil. i miss it already, with the knowledge that i really dont have much free time left and most of what is left is ISP or group sitio time. but also, thinking back, there is so much i have seen and done in the past 3 months. its almost mind boggling. ive lived in5 major amazonian cities. traveled all over. the boat trip seems like months ago, but it wasnt at all. even the time in sao luis seems so far away. i ate a turtle! that was so long ago. and what i have are the greatest little fragments of memories.

on another note, i am officially in 2 of my classes. below are the course descriptions for them

Anth 322 Cultural Technologies of Memory
This course is organized around several practices and technologies that produce collective and personal memory. The class will explore a distinction commonly made between 'memory' and 'history', asking on what basis this distinction is made and how it maps on to our ideas about foreign places and people. The techniques and technologies of public memory we will examine may include ancient "memory palaces," historical writing, oral narrative, ritual, myth, monuments, museums and archives. We will also explore how radio and photography are used to produce national and familial representations of the past. The focus in each section will be on how the particular medium of remembering shapes the content of what is remembered. We will address who has access to memory practices, stressing the link between the production of particular memories and their political uses. The class will give students a theoretical base to write a final research paper that situates a contemporary memory practice in its specific cultural and historical context: the recent proliferation of family genealogies, Holocaust testimonies and/or museums, the truth commissions, local histories are among a few possible examples.

Hist 164 Hooke's Micrographia
A monument of natural philosophy and scientific illustration, Robert Hooke's Micrographia (1665) was the first laboratory manual in microscopy. A great experimentalist, Hooke developed his research as a Fellow of the newly founded Royal Society of London. Hooke and his colleagues intended the work to be a manifesto of experimental method and faith in progress. They also hoped Hooke's observations would lend credence to atomism, a notorious ancient philosophy that was being rehabilitated in the seventeenth century. The work's descriptive and experimental language suggests objectivity, as does the author's recourse to geometric principles. Yet Hooke's treatise is also permeated with a theological agenda. We will read the Micrographia, examining its philosophical antecedents and experimental foundations. We will also investigate Hooke's life and work, his association with the Royal Society and contemporary savants, as well as the links between science and society during the Scientific Revolution.

right now im just waiting on GIS, Ecology&Evolution, and Nonfiction writing. Considering auditing a class on...something.
today i ate country fried steak in brazil with my host family. ..

work work work

being back in Belem is really nice. we had thanksgiving dinner here the other night and made turkey, mashed potatoes, apple crisp, mango apple pie, pumpkin pie, cranberry sauce brazilia style (w/o cranberries, add acerola), amongst other things. all in all it was fun. i ate too much, felt sick (i didnt exactly eat a lot in sao luis), and for the first time here really felt really homesick/nostalgic. im excited to get home. i think all of us here feel that way at this point, as we just desperately try and get through the pain of writing our isps, present, and leave. theres really not much more to take out of the program at this point. and im honestly annoyed at gustavo's insistence we write an "objective scientific paper". i interviewed people and worked with organizations, in an applied sense, to try and see how these organizations, with limited funding but huge environment and health problems in the city, could best serve the peoples needs. theres no objectivity to that, shouldnt be, and it would be wrong to try and present the paper as a cold hard science document. i dont see how one can be objective in interviewing people anyway about problems. stupid.

anyway, here are a few pictures from my time in sao luis. i didnt take that many, to be honest. i didnt feel the safest walking around with my camerica, because, you know, its not like i didnt get enough strange looks as it is. but, heres what i have.

organizaing my paper is hard. i still dont really have anything written. i have until thursday, but i need to figure out how im going to put it all together and do the rest of the background research today, more or less.
i have a small outline

1. background
1. introduction
2. ecological public health (roots in 19th century, new risks)
3. epidemiological transition
4. water and the developing world
   
5. sao luis
1. development and health
2. funding cuts and state of affairs
3. caema and water
2. objective of the study
3. methods
1. location and sites
2. interview techniques, how many, etc
4. results
1. organize into several groups and give overview/summary of main consensus
   
1. by neighborhood
1. sao franscisco
2. monte castello
3. coroadinho
4. overall summary
2. by organization initiatives
1. asp
2. urban union
3. solar
4. overall
3. by organization personnel and personal opinion
4. comparative chart?
2. or do a bunch of small comparative sections? i dont know

either way i need more background on CAEMA and on water health in general.
back to work!

going even further beyond

today i think i more or less finished my interviews. i took the bus to the barrio of Coroadinho, which lies close to the Bacanga river, a good 30 minutes ride from Centro. i was able to get 3 interviews done before lunchtime, when everything in Brazil shuts down. i currently have 6 interviews from Monte Castello, 5 from Sao Franscisco, and 5 from Coroadinho. Plus the 4 from organizations, and the 1 more with the environmental journalist tomorrow night. maybe i will go for one more in Sao Franscisco tomorrow, but i also have a lot of other work to do as well. right now i am sitting diligently in my room trying to translate the large Sao Luis development report Joao lent me. ill need to see if i can scan some maps and figures onto a computer or what not. it might be useful. my isp is also due, along with the powerpoint for the presentation, next thursday. damn. translating is a long process, but ive recently come to the conclusion that i actually really like the portuguese language. its fun to learn and i enjoy speaking it, most of the time. its hard to believe how much i can understand now. when i first arrived in Brazil i knew some basics, and my knowledge of spanish grammar was helpful for at least understanding what people were trying to tell me. but now, here i am, able to more or less comprehend an hour long interview about health. im considering maybe taking bards translation workshop class as an audit next sem if theres room just so i can work on that some more.

the whole experience here is really wrapping up. gustavo sent us the schedule for the last 1-2 weeks in Belem and the isp format.

im hoping one day ill return to Amazonia. i have this idea for this project id like to undertake. many years ago my grandparents came to the Amazon once their children were off at college. i have no idea where they went, what they did, and what they saw. i dont know if they kept a journal. all i have to really go off of is the fact they traveled there, a picture of my grandfather holding a parrot, and the flute i have back home that they bought along the way. my whole time here in Amazonia, since the first weekend in Belem, ive carried around a frog necklace with me, whose string broke in Santarem but ive still carried from place to place regardless. in Amazonian folklore and tradition, the frog symbol is one of good luck. i dont know the actual legend and myth, i need to find out. regardless, ive been carrying it around so that it holds the same amount of memories that the flute i have in my room holds, and so perhaps my grandparents can in some way from above see the same things ive seen. id like to start investigating, when i come home, if theres any trace of what they did while they were in this place, to wonder where our paths might have crossed. and then maybe, one day, come back to Amazonia and see whats changed between these three stories, mine now, mine then, and theirs then as well. perhaps also look into other historical accounts. this region is such a mixed place. rivers are like railroads, its been said. at one point in history, everything traveled along the rivers. in some places, they still do. im sure my grandparents' story and mine crossed at some point along O Rio Amazonas, or O Rio Negro, or O Rio Solimoes. just like both our paths for sure also cross with the host of colonial expeditions, scientific voyages, merchants lives, and travelers tales along the way. i want to try and find out what these connections are. i like anthropology. i like history. i like rivers. i like ecology. i like narratives and first hand accounts. i think this could be the start of something quite interesting. i finished "in an antique land" by amitav ghosh the other night. his story is somewhat similar, and something of an inspiration. he weaves three stories together. one, of his years spent doing fieldwork living in two egyptian villages and then his return years later once modernization began. two, of his semi-fictional account of an indian slave and his relation to his jewish-egyptian master. and three, of his own personal journey trying to trace the steps of these two medieval figures and his own connecting the stories together. and it works really well. and if he can find a way to connect modern egypt and medieval slave relations in the indian ocean, then i can find a way to connect history, the Amazonia ive experienced, and the Amazonia my grandparents saw. who knows, maybe i could make it my senior project?

well i digress. im grateful for what ive been given here in Amazonia. the people ive met and talked to, who let me into their lives knowing that i only understand 60% of what they say, and were patient with me. ive been frustrated here, but that is a good thing. ive learned a lot about what "culture" actually means, in the end. one of our program assistants, who works on the homestay experience, sent us an email that i think lays it out pretty clearly: "you’ve may noticed that there are some cultural differences between us, but in the essence we are all humans beings with the same kind of feelings". and i think thats true. the way people do things here, ie the culture here, is different, and there are all sorts of little things here and there that make that abundantly clear. but in the end, we're all human. i have all these ideas that i really just need to be able to talk out back home. with whoever is willing to listen, honestly. ranging to general thoughts on life to things bard can help me hone in on. itl be so interesting to see how different things that i always felt were normal/never noticed in the us are now that i have something to really compare it to.

tomorrow is my last full day here in sao luis. i would post pictures, but the internet isnt strong enough to let that happen. the two weeks have been an interesting ride, but it all turned out fine in the end, just like everything. today i bought a sweet pair of pants. ill wear them to the airport. also considering my jeans dont really fit anymore, which im hoping is more a product of brazilians not owning drying machines rather than me having lost that much weight. tomorrow i plan on spending lots of time on the beach in the morning reviewing my interviews and relaxing, and then taking the rest of the day to translate and finish research. then ill talk to joao and present what i think ive found and ask any last minute advice/questions. then wake up and get on the plane. im also weirdly excited to get to throw away the travel towel ive been using here in sao luis. its so disgusting.

eggs and beach

today i sat on the beach and it was great. i left my phone in the seminary so i would lose track of time. for 5 hours i did nothing more than sit, admire the beach, have a few beers, and eat eggs. thats right. eggs. you pay 2 reais for this little bundle of 12 quail eggs, or something. hard boiled. and you sit there and peel them, dip them in salt, and devour. its very zen like. it was great.

i have three days of research to do left here, and quite a bit to accomplish before i go back to Belem, but once thats out of the way all i have to do is write it up. which honestly isnt that bad, and i already have most of the background research done.

it seems so strange how quick the whole thing is wrapping up. its suspenseful. but theres also a lot waiting to happen back home that i am excited about. i dont really know what exactly will happen with any of it, but by this point ive learned that thats the whole point anyway. its...nice, to just let go and stop trying to control everything. even if it means you get lost or such things along the way. you always end up finding your way again. and i feel pretty settled...in a non-settled completely up in the air sort of way.

i realize that makes no sense.

fragments, come together

in the midst of doing random street interviews, of which my endurance for is few per day, i have abundant amounts of time to think, ponder, etc.

i am going to miss brasil, for both what it has given me as a whole, but mostly in terms of all these little fragments of things ive loved. ill only see the big picture once i am home in america and have something to compare to. for now its just a collection of thoughts, a collection of images, a little slide show of tastes, smells, moments.

goiaba ice cream with chunks of ice, avocado juice, pudim at 2 am, catching tucunare on the rio unini, eating tapiocinha stuffed with coconut, washing manioca in the farinha house, long van rides in the convee, purple teeth, a room full of church goers singing and then crying, looking out over a forest canopy 50 m in the air, lunch with friends and peixe-boi, pink amazon river dolphins surfacing for air, guarana smoothies, pit-bull acai, picking fresh limes and drinking cashaca, being rocked to sleep in a hammock, stars on the rio amazonas, "the most beautiful thing in the world", the most delicious/simple fish in curuca, paddling a canoe, rihanna forro remixes, agua de coco, hustle and bustle of the marketplaces, taxi rides from nazare, wind everywhere, the best bananas, leaf identification, poor renditions of "william it was really nothing", sugar coffee at the bow, homemade tucupi, meeting of the waters, catch-phrase, ver-o-peso, cupuacu yogurt, sorvete breaks at the office, knowing everything is going to be all right.

and theres more. always more. itl come to me later.

tomorrow i could try and do more interviews, but i am going to give myself a break and just go to the beach all day.

woo hoo my life doesnt suck right now

finally. was able to talk to joao this morning, and get everything figured out. plan below:

Does this have to be the price of development: health and environment organizational assistance and in São Luís, Maranhão

1. To assess the operations, capacity, and difficulties of 2-3 health and environmentally related organizations in São Luís and how with limited resources they can best work to provide help to the community concerning ­­­­­the specific issue of water pollution and contamination.
1. to assess the similarities, differences, and areas of individual focus of these organization
2. to assess what members of the organizations think needs to improve, in their own organization and São Luís overall, to address the problem of water contamination
3. to assess how this coincides with popular opinion and community needs in three barrios of São Luís

yesterday i was able to interview somebody from the urban union and somebody who works here at ASP. today i got another ASP interview, along with 2 interviews in Monte Castello, and 2 in Sao Francisco. i need, up until wednesday evening, interview ~2 from the urban union, 1 more from ASP, an environmental journalist who works here, hopefully ~1-2 from CAEMA, the governmental water organization, and do ~5-7 interviews per barrio. which adds up to 4 more in Monte Castello, 4 more in Sao Francisco, and 6 in Coroadinha. in total, that means...19 interviews in...6 days? like...3 per day. very, very doable. the actual interviews are pretty easy. it takes about 5-10 minutes. the hard part is simply finding somebody around the street who is alone and able to talk, ie not working and not busy, which is hard to do unless you go deep off the main street, which id like to avoid doing for safety and not-getting-lost reasons. right now i am in ASP office typing up my interview notes for the day and will need to ask francesa to call the urban union for me and get an appointment to interview 2 people tomorrow. maybe call CAEMA too and get a meeting for next week. lucky me, Sao Francisco is the big beach place. so that will be my weekend. researching, if you want to call it that, on the beach. very cool.

so, i apologize for the last rant. i feel pretty good about my isp right now. it will be tough to do like, 6 interviews in a day, but its not impossible. i think once this weekend passes and i realize how little time i have left it will make the process a lot easier. today was good, i walked to Monte Costello, buying cheap (50 centavos...about 25 cents) cups of agua de coco and traditional amazonian guarana shakes. so good. tonight i need to type up my quiz that i still havent gotten from carlos/gustavo, and type up a revised copy of my 2nd tcr. maybe keep translating the history of sao luis's development book i have from ASP, or try and get some more info via the CAEMA web site. other than that, it looks like this might be a good way to top off brazil after all. and i think i know how i will write it up too, so, no worries. i get back to Belem on thanksgiving, and then that weekend, if i can get a lot of work done friday, i might take a bus to the nearest beach in Para for sat/sunday to relax and process the past two weeks. we'll see how the work goes, but id like to get that.

thats it for now. back to work.

round 2

i consider myself to be a very patiet person, but i think ive reached my limit here.

this is a brief update on my past ~6 days in Sao Luis. i arrived at the airport here last tuesday night to find that joao, my advisor, had mistaken when i was coming in to the city and so was not there to talk with me. i took a taxi to the seminary where i met some of the guys, had dinner, and relaxed and got a good nights sleep. the next day i was told joao would be at ASP around 11-12. this seemed a little late for me seeing as by this point i had 2 weeks to do my research. i went to the office and ended up waiting for 3 and a half hours. when he did show up we had a very good talk, which involved him nicely telling me that actually, most of the organizations that i was talking about and thinking about doing a project on had lost a lot of their resources and funding since the late 90s and no longer did the same kind of work. they want to, but simply dont have the finances to do so. this threw me off, as did joao telling me that ASP did not work that much in Sao Luis any more. they ran preparation courses for health council members to help them with legislation, goal setting, finances, and motivation. this seemed pretty cool, as it still fit into my basic rubric of empowerment in a time of development. we ran through 3 basic ideas for a project: do a review of environmental health organizations in the city and what they are/are not able to do, survey several communities about environmental health problems and what they need done, or do a project about the councils and ASPs work. either of these sounded good with me. the next day i came back into the office to ask joao for more help and to read through a large study from two years ago about the state of Sao Luis, its development, and its problems. he gave me a contact with the urban union in the next barrio and suggested that i meet with them to discuss some of these issues. so far, helpful. that friday i went to talk to the union, which was very difficult. i have a hard time understanding the accent here, so i couldn't get a good grasp of what they did and how i could help. what i did get was that about 30% of the city has treated water, but that they, like ASP doesn't do much work in this area of the city. this left me feeling pretty lost and frantically trying to think up project ideas. joao was out of the office until monday as he said in an email, but he would be around monday afternoon to talk more. i spent the weekend at the beach and trying to get a few preliminary emails done about what the problems were in sao luis. i was able to find that some people talked about water problems and pollution, but that the major issue was a lack of help, mostly political in nature. with this in mind, i returned to the office monday afternoon around 11, to be told that joao wasnt coming in until 3:30. so i went back to the seminary feeling pretty let down, but was hoping that joao would be able to help me when he came back. i returned at 3:30 and ended up waiting 3 and a half hours, again, for him to show up. i waited a little so he would be able to check his email and so i wouldnt be a bother, and then went to ask him if, when he was done, if we could talk about my research because i really needed to start on a solid topic by tuesday. he told me no, he was too busy, and wouldnt be able to talk with me until thursday.

at this point i left the building, went back to my room in the seminary, and freaked out. the only reason i came to sao luis was because carlos and gustavo had assured me that joao would be able to help me construct a project, and that he was one of the best people to do so. joao had told carlos that he would be able to help me construct a good project from the tuesday i arrived until that following monday. a whole week to put a good project together. instead, i only got one day, and not much help at that. i got some background on ASP, Sao Luis, and its environmental health concerns, but thats about it. i feel really let down by brazil right now. it was rude enough when PSA emailed me the day before project began to tell me they had no room, but this is different. im an american student who obviously knows nothing about this city and already feels lost. joao knows he is my only contact here, and that he is the only reason i am here, because he told carlos he would be able to help me for a solid week. also, when you say you are going to be at work and able to talk to somebody at a certain time, hold to your word. because right now it is tuesday, i have a little over a week now to do research. that is very little time, and i still dont have a solid method for a project. i dont know this city. i was really counting on joao to help me identify a part of the city to work in, on a specific problem, how to properly interview/what questions to ask, and what the major health/environment organizations are here that i could interview. so far, ive been let down on all four of those counts. im trying to keep a clear head, but its very difficult. i also need to email gustavo my updated 2nd tcr, and apparently we have a take hom 4 page essay due friday that i never recieved the assignment for. i really liked brazil and SIT when the lack of organization contributed to the experience, but right now i honestly feel really fucked over. im praying that bard's credit transfer policy does not transfer grades as well, because it would really suck if my gpa went down because of this programs lack of organization. i mean, who gives 22 kids to gustavo, 1 AD, when SIT programs usually only have 13-15 kids? in 15 minutes i am going to give gustavo a call and beg him for help with this project. hes read my tcrs and is aware of my situation, so im hoping hell be sympathetic about this and really try and help me out. he knows my last plan fell through at the very last minute, i just cant believe the same thing has just happened again. i seriously have no reason whatsoever to be in sao luis if joao is unable to help me. im halfway convinced to just get my flight rescheduled and fly back to belem today just so i can at least have somebody semi-reliable i can talk to to help me put this isp together. because if i am just interviewing communities about what organizations can provide for environmental health problems, i can do that anywhere in amazonia. theres no point in staying here if i have absoletely no help. hopefully carlos and gustavo can help me put together some isp plan they think will be good, help me identify a few groups to talk to, and i can get done interviews today so i dont feel as screwed. i know its just a research project. but i feel personally embarrassed and betrayed by the whole thing. and if it affects my bard gpa, which ive worked so hard for, ill be really angry. i think bards policy is that as long as you get a c or above in a course, the credit will transfer. it never says anything about the grades.

i wish i could just relax right now, go to the beach, and calm myself down. i had such a good project idea earlier. i had everything together. it was something i was really excited about. everybody else has been able to get something together. and the thing is, i dont even have time to meet with somebody else to get a project together, i dont have time to reexplain myself and my situation here in sao luis to anybody else and have them, like the past two organizations here, tell me that they cant help me. its cant happen time wise, and i cant deal with another rejection for this project. i need an idea. and i need one fast. i can do interviews in 5 days. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. thats 6-7 full week days. its pretty easy to find people to interview during the weekday here, impossible on the weekend. if i even just do 5 interviews a day, very doable (i was able to more or less do 3 in an hour yesterday), ill still be good. i just need to have a solid plan together asap. hopefully gustavo can help. i feel like he has had to rescue students during isp with much larger problems than me. lets hope this works. because if not i really dont have any idea what i can do. as i said, im a patient person, i try and give people the benefit of the doubt. but im tired of this. im tired of people being late here. i understand it is a cultural thing, its more laid back. but when you know you have a student who needs you to help him out, and you tell him you can help him, you dont just tell him that you cant talk to him until thursday. at least respond back to his email and try to help the poor guy out. im also just angry because i dont want to be angry. i dont want my last memory here in brazil to be a crappy one. overall, the program has been great. ive seen things and experienced things that have had a huge impact on me. its terrible that because of my anger and sadness right now im blinded to those experiences and what they have given me. yesterday, for example, i bought a can of maracuja juice and sat by the river drinking it. and it made me flash back to the manaus excursion and how wonderful the whole thing was, and of just sitting up on the dech eating creme-de-maracuja with a few friends with the amazonian stars above, without a single light to obscure the view. i dont want to lose sight of the things i have learned here. i dont want to be consumed with anger at sao luis, my potential falling gpa, and other trivial things. but its difficult right now.

otherwise, is sao luis nice? yeah, it can be beautiful. the beach was really nice, some really really beautiful whisps of sand flowing by. i feel bad that i will most likely associate this place with frustration. because it does seem like a very cool place to be

Course List is UP

next semester, if all goes well and I get into everything:

Ecology and Evolution: W 10:30-12:30, F 9:30-12:30

Cultural Technologies of Memory: M 4-6:20

Writing the World Nonfiction Prose: Th 1:30-3:50

Geographic Information Systems: W 3:15-5:45 (2 creds)

Hooke’s Micrographia: T/Th 9-10:20

im off to reggae island?

I am currently the envy of all other ISP projects.

I went from having no idea what I was going to do after PSA emailed me saying they would have no room in their programs, to now having an excellent and open ISP plan that will work out perfectly. For the next 3 weeks I will be doing research in Sao Luis, the capital city of the state of Maranhao, still located within the legal Amazon. I will be working with the ASP, a public health organization committed to community empowerment with connections to the church. I will be working under Joao-Marie Vandamme, a French sociologist and health researcher who was a favorite professor of Carlos, one of our professors here. Right now my project is very broad and vague: I want to do anything concerning environmental health and community participation/collaboration in order too 1) see how participatory health research can be successful in a environmental context 2) how collaboration leads to better detection and community prevention of environmental health risks and 3) for myself, to gain experience in community based participatory health so that I can return to the US with this skill and use it at home.

I don't know that much about Sao Luis. I will be living in a Seminary, which I am looking forward to as a intense life altering experience amongst 15 or so priests. I leave Tuesday the 11th and return to Belem the 27th, Thanksgiving, in order to give myself a week to analyze and process data and write my report. Overall I have a pretty solid plan of action. Joao is available from Sunday the 9th to the 15th, so from Tuesday to Thursday I will spend my time observing and learning about Sao Luis, the environmental and development related health concerns, and getting to know basic introductions and connections in the community and the ASP organization, learning about how it functions, its aims, and so forth. Thursday night I will submit my updated ISP and ethical review for human subjects application to Gustavo, and the Friday will be the IRB meeting to approve my project. If all goes well I will hear back by the board by Sunday, and can commence research on the following Monday, and still have a solid 10 days to conduct interviews and surveys. Once Joao and I formulate a project that works in conjunction with something they are working on and could use help with, I will have a good idea of the groups of people I will need to interview, and so forth.

It will be amazing. Besides how great this whole ordeal seems to be (I briefly talked to Joao on the phone just now to let him know when my flight will be arriving, he was very nice and generous, I feel bad that my portuguese is crummy and that there is a high chance I came off as rude on the phone), the city itself and the environment I will be in sound even better. Both the Seminary and the ASP are on the same block in the Historic District of the city, which was declared a national heritage site. Sao Luis in general is an island surrounded by beaches, mangrove forests, beautiful streets, coffee shops, and, again, beautiful beaches. Along with a large public library, and areas free of electricity or buildings. Just sand, water, books, small bars, coffee, chill reggae music, a notebook, and me. Or as Carlos said with envy, "some places there you can go to the beach and feel like you are not in the 21st century, but 200-300 years ago". How awesome. I also feel really honored that I am going to be working with Joao-Marie, who Carlos has a lot of respect for. He'll make me work really hard, but that will make this project all the better.

From what I've found so far, Sao Luis has its share of ecologically-based health problems. From the heavy development as elsewhere in Brazil and the Amazonian states, especially from companies like VALE or ALCOA (which is an aluminum mining company from Pittsburgh...what a weird coincidence), there exist a lot of occupational health risks for mining workers, as well as a good deal of water pollution from these extractive industries. I'm guessing some sort of pollution by product will end up being what I focus on, which will be really interesting. The mangroves are also an important buffer to filter many of these pollutants, so while my research would be focusing on health at hand, I could factor such things into an overall discussion of ecological public health, which I am using along with the theories of community health, participatory research methods, epidemiological transition stages, and issues of science and expertise to frame my project around. Either way, this will be a mind opening experience into the worlds of popular epidemiology, community development, and environmental justice. I'm also really looking forward to working with the church association. In general, I think I am imagining this project more as a mini-internship experience more than anything else. In a good way. And while I'll miss my friends while I'm away, I think it's also really good that I'll be alone the whole time.

It just finished the usual afternoon rain here, so of course being in the hammock with my laptop doing some research with the cool post-rain wind coming through the window is pretty great. Also, in case there is any confusion, the pictures I've randomly and chaotically spread through this post are either of Sao Luis looking beautiful or of my friends and I during our Brazilian Halloween party/celebrating Obama's victory by making grilled cheese sandwiches.

Tchau e saudades

Shit

shit shit shit. i just recieved an email from the PSA that there is no room in their entire, the whole entire health sector of their organization. so they can't have me come work with them.

shit!

i need to think up a new project. fast. i can either find a new component of the PSA to work with, or try and find another organization with similar environmental health components.

shit! shit! shit!

im trying not to freak out. but technically, ISP starts tomorrow. tomorrow.

its cloudy out and i need the clarity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY

i really wish i knew what i was doing in life. theres so much confusion here, so much confusion home. i need to get away from it all, for a bit, to know. isp will be good. right now it looks like monday tuesday ish. we'll see where that takes me. i hope it will give some perspective, i could use that right now.

this whole semester ive been talking about how all that really matters in the end are the people who matter the most to you. but i also can't be rushed right now. and you knew that was frightening me.

it doesn't help that today i have all day to do nothing. i cant start my isp proposal until i know roughly what and where i will be doing this. and i can't know that until i hear from the psa. which was supposed to be yesterday. i can't outline my project, state my objectives, and formulate my methods and target groups until they tell me what i can do with them. so, all i can do is wait. which sucks.

but at least gustavo really liked my literature review. and acknowledged that im at a good place right now. which is good, because i feel like im behind. so apparently im not.

all the independence and happiness begins to mean little when you know youre hurting someone. but i dont know how to balance here. not like there is much more time left here anyway. but still.

sometimes i would like to know how to break free from myself. and just let the person i know is in there out. its coming through here, i can see it from time to time, when it needs to. i feel it as more of a presence. but not as me yet. and i think thats where i know i need to just break away here. it will be good for me i know that. really difficult, but thats the point. to face those things you are terrified of. im going to be alone with broken portuguese most likely in a small rural community looking at how community based participatory development works in conjunction to risk assessment and community health and the level of collaboration and cooperation between the psa and the community. by myself. perhaps near the end in santarem i will reunite with the other kids from my group who are in the area. but a solid 2 weeks will be just me. ill snap at some point, but thats a good thing. i want to. or, at least i think i need to. at least that will let something out. i think its a good way to end my time here. plus, i need time to process everything in my life right now.

maybe its a good sign that when i look back to pictures from last year i dont quite recognize myself? somewhat physically, but mostly just personality wise. i feel more...knowing of me and whats around here. not as up in the clouds. grounded in something. stronger, to some extent. more sure of myself. not as small. somewhat tougher. not as willing to be pushed around, which comes with a price, i know. but im always polite and patient, perhaps too much so. and im tired of being taken advantage of because of that. perhaps thats the biggest thing ive realized since being here: realizing my limits. i cant be everything for everyone, but i feel like at times thats what is expected. because deep down i need things for myself just as much as everyone else, its just a matter of suppressing that because you view other people as more important. but part of developing your level of confidence is realizing that you too are just as important, and that at times you need to put yourself first. which again is having its price, and i can see that now. which is why a month in general is much needed.

enough of that for now. did you know that much like animals, plants can recognize and communicate with relatives, and share resources with one another?
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/06/070614-plants.html

its amazing, i think. im obsessed with the whole concept of symbiosis in general. there's this great quote by lynn margulis, who first proposed the now accepted but at the time loony theory that eukaryotic cells began as communities of interacting entities, as chloroplasts and mitochondria evolved out of the relationship between protizoans and bacteria, or something like that. the science is on wikipedia. to margulis "life did not take over the globe by combat, but by networking". so, the whole biological history of life isn't just a struggle for existence, but actually looking at how the parts can cooperate together as a whole?

right now i cant think of anything more cool.

YES

I just returned back to the apartment after watching/celebrating the elections, and all I can say is...

Yes we can.

I am so full of hope and happiness.

HELLS YEAH

It's been a while since I've actually felt that moved during a speech. There's this wave of optimism that I really can't explain, but am sure that everyone I know back home feels as well. And thats the amazing part about it all.

Getting There

Pardon my lack of energy right now.

Just finished my portuguese written final as well as my thematic seminar final.

My brain is pretty dead. So, it will be even more so once I finish watching the election tonight.

Lots of writing today. Basically about the same thing over and over: whose model of development, for whom?

Basically, I just got to, in extension, write about the main concepts spinning around my ISP. Which technically begins on Friday. To which I still haven't been able to get in contact with the PSA. Carlos is going to call them today. I hope that works out. Tomorrow I'm meeting with Gustavo to talk about the project. It'll all work out. As soon as I get a thumbs up from the PSA and Gustavo I can crank out all the paper work and such that I need to do. Like the IRB and Ethical Review Board for Human Subjects. Grand.

There was fresh pineapple in the fridge today. Exciting. Today was also our last day of class, which means we wont officially see each other as a group until December. Which means, as Susan and I were talking about, there are definitely people from this group that I won't see until December. Month is a long time. Strange. Hopefully I'll get to chill with some people before we all leave, although Apple, Ups, Meaghan, and Gina might all be in Santarem as well. Sounds cool.

My leg is looking a lot better. Thank god.

A Brazilian Halloween

Or, a very very surreal day.

I spent most of my day avoiding all the work I need to do for ISP preparation or studying for our exams on Tuesday. I read a good deal more of In an Antique Land, I really enjoy the way Ghosh writes. There's something very casual yet serious at the same time about it. Plus, he weaves together his own life narrative of living in an Egyptian rural village and that of the Jewish merchant traveling with his Indian slave quite masterfully.

Around five I suited up in my Halloween costume and met up with Emily at the corner of Lomas, since we live extremely close to one another. I was a cowboy, which quickly turned into me just being Woody from Toy Story, which mean that I received a lot of fun comments from random passer-bys as Emily and I made the 25 minute walk to Susan and Will's home, where we also met with Gina and Lynn. Emily was our 100% Jesus Convee Van, Susan and her host brother were Pinky and the Brain, Will was um peixe, which means he just covered his shirt in plastic plates ie fish scales, Gina was a flower, and Lynn was a farmer, with Karina and Ups as her animais da fazenda, a sheep and a cow, respectively. From Susans we hopped on the bus in full costume and rode to Greenville, a private walled/electric fenced-off community for the incredibly wealthy class in Belem. So, obviously, we met an American couple there from California who gave us candy as trick-or-treaters. I would say I can place that up there as one of the more surreal moments of my life. I can't even begin to imagine what going back to the US will be like.

Maya's family was hosting the party, and I have to say they were incredibly generous people, seeing as Brazilians are insane and easily stay up blasting all kinds of music until 4-5 am, aka when I went to sleep. Everyone brought some kind of food to the party so there was a lot to eat, most of it involving cake, homemade quacamole and hummus, cookies, Halloween candy, amongst other things. Nigel, Neil, and I decided to be typically American and instead just buy gin and tonic water. Classy. Nigel came dressed up as, well, perhaps the best costume of the night, which was only rivaled by Neil's, to be honest. He came as Gustavo (our Academic Director)'s arch nemesis, Captain Deforestation, which included a get up in red tights and top, a green Brazilian speedo, a cape, and toy axe. Neil, on the other hand, came as a piece of white trash in the style of Joe Dirt. Cut off jean shorts, a black tank top, big sunglasses, and, most importantly, an actual mullet and mutton chops. My costume, obviously, did not have such kinds of commitment.

The night, in general, involved a lot of dancing, a lot of people stuffing their faces, a lot of bad American pop, Brazilian pop, and fun/terrible mixes of both. Also swimming in the pool. And apparently, according to Maya, a lot of drama between Brazilian couples. Fun. For the 6-7 of us who actually slept over, waking up was a surprise when Maya's host mother had a full spread of breakfast complete with bread, coffee, fruit, juice, cheese, cake, cereal, fun stories about the previous night, and awkward moments. When I finally got home on my bus I was surprised to find nobody home, which made me feel bad, because even though I had told Maura that I would probably be sleeping over at Maya's because it would be safer that way rather than taking a taxi home at 5 am, I never was actually able to call her to confirm that I was sleeping over, seeing as my phone-and apparently everyone else's for that matter-ran out of credits. So, I decided to grab my Ghosh, set up my hammock outside, and read. Which translated into me falling asleep from 1-5, waking up, and realizing that while in my slumber Maura and Diego had come home, eaten lunch, showered, and left for church.

...

But, Maura just came home and seemed totally fine with everything. I think here in Brazil people just accept the fact that, for example, parties go incredibly late and wild, and so while I apologized a million times, I think its all ok. To make up for it, I ate a lot of açaí, because apparently Maura and Lea both think I'm not eating enough and am losing weight. Which I think is funny, because if I am, its probably all muscle. Because the only exercise I get all day is the 15 minute walk to school and the few push ups and sit ups I do at night.

I now feel slightly sleepy, but am enjoying the guitar at the bar down the road, and things are good. As long as I don't think about the insane amount of work I need to do this week. Not to mention watch the election. But, I know it will all turn out ok. Because every other SIT Amazonia student here has done it, and I know for a fact I am more organized and capable of getting my stuff together than many I'm sure.

Ate logo

Symbiosis and Darkness

Last night I had a fully functional conversation with a taxi driver in portuguese. It felt great. Much better than the really awful cheesecake/strange drink concoction.

In a week we leave to do our ISPs. There is a lot of work to do before then, but its all very exciting.

Tonight is a Halloween party, so I'm taking the rest of the day off to chill, read some more of my Amitav Ghosh book, and lay in my hammock. Possibly go shopping later.

I think this is the coolest quote ever that really hits me right now: "You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star"-Nietzsche

I'm figuring my ish out. I want to one day have a boat, work within the field of environmental epidemiology/community health/disease ecology, and creative science writing. Perhaps live in the Northwest for a while, or anywhere near a port. And thus, here's a reading list I've created for myself. I have a bunch of books at home I've bought under impulse, so I figure selling those on Amazon.com will give me enough money to buy a lot of these books used. It's a very tentative list, but most of it incorporates to some extent travel diaries and personal reflections on place, biology, disease history, symbiosis, mixing fiction and reality, the dark side of human nature, ie, everything I'm interested in. I feel like I could be perfectly content with my life working on environment and health issues while on the side enjoying life on a boat writing books. With coffee of course.

• The Vortex: Jose Eustasio Rivera
• Cosmicomics: Italo Calvino
• Invisible Cities: Italo Calvino
• The Teachings of Don Juan: Carlos Castenada
• One River: Wade Davis
• A Golden Age: Tahmima Anam
• Underground: Haruki Murakami
• Kafka on the Shore: Haruki Murakami
• Risk Society: Ulrich Beck
• Politics of Nature: Bruno Latour
• Ocasiao The Marquis and the Anthropologist: George Marcus
• Street Science: Jason Corburn
• The Ghost Map: Steven Johnson
• Medical Anthropology in Ecological Perspective: Ann McElroy
• Biography of a Germ: Arno Karlen
• Man and Microbes: Arno Karlen
• No Safe Place: Phil Brown
• Citizens, Experts, and the Environment: Frank Fischer
• The Plague: Albert Camus
• Heart of Darkness: Joseph Conrad
• Pedagogy of the Oppressed: Paulo Freire
• The Great Transformation: Karl Polanyi
• The Invisible Pyramid: Loren Eiseley

Everything looks quite promising. Life in general, to be honest. Has its downs, to be sure, but the present is too beautiful to leave to worry. It's not so much running from life as it is searching to find that something inside myself, or at least finding a way to just finally let it all out. All the searching is paying off. I feel that if I just start doing some sort of physical activity again, such as ju jitsu or some form of fighting where I feel very much me, everything will fall into place. I'm trying to look into somewhere around home for winter break. Although, if I get accepted into the winter ecosystem class, I'll be up in NY for most of January. I'm pretty into water/wind vortexes right now. I feel like they sum up my existence. I can't wait to read some of these books above. Will said he would lend me One River by Wade David is he finishes it before ISP, and Karina said I could borrow Murakami during ISP as well. However, I think it's Biography of a Germ and Cosmicomics that I am most exicted about. I love actually reading books that incorporate biology, fiction, and reflection. Back home I have The Invisible Pyramid, and right now I'm kind of kicking myself for not bringing it with. It was written after the lunar landing during the celebration for space exploration, yet he writes about how there isn't much reason to go study "the cosmic prison of space" when there is so much mystery right here in front of us on Earth, whether it by phenomena of a physical, chemical, biological, or cultural nature. It's dark, but only slightly so. Subtly. But that's my favorite type. Funny enough, he was an anthropologist, ecologist, science writer, and poet. Could I want anything more? Ha. He's known for his writing style called the concealed essay, which basically merges together scientific language with literary style. Sounds great.

From Wikipedia..."Instead of simply seeing the world as a set of scientific facts and figures, Eiseley used science to look for the deeper meaning of life, even while freely admitting that science could not answer all of the mysteries of existence."

Calvino is supposed to be amazing as well. I need to get into literature more. I'm kind of done with theory, for now at least. This is much more interesting. Like Eiseley above, theories, facts, and figures aren't the world. The people who make meaning out of them are. It's those little meanings that make up culture, and thus I like my track right now. Somewhere between out there in space, and grounded in here. I like that. Symbiosis in general, and how different life forms impact human culture and vice versa to some extent, whether its plants and humans, diseases and humans, or the discovery of space, is so cool. Or wasps and fig trees. I think I just need to embrace being a little out of the box at times.

I'm a watery whirlwind

This, to me, sums up my state of life and mannerisms right now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8znYPXhZFA

I suggest listening to it at least once. It's slow, chill, calm, and knows what it wants.

My excursion to the South of Para was a really interesting one, and a large contrast to the entire Manaus journey. The South is an area ripped open by violence over land reform. Agrarian issues are at its highest priority, at the root of which is the need for people to protect their families and way of life. These range from cooperatives to help rural farmers secure land title, associations working to preserve the human dignity of communities displaced by the building of large hydroelectric damming projects, to the Landless Workers Movement's original Para settlement in Palmares II. It is a place where memory is not taken for granted, in a land where so many are forgotten, cast aside, or forced out of history's lens of vision. The face of development and the race to utilize the fruits of the land overpowers the very people who make up the life of the region. Large mining companies strip away iron and coal by the tons per day, and yet, it's the economic demand in the industrialized nations that fuels the system. Who is to blame?

Tucurui Dam is the worlds third largest hydroelectric dam in existence, soon to be knocked down to #4 once the Three Gorges Dam in China is completed, and perhaps lowered to #5 when the Belomonte Dam here in Brazil on the Xingu River is built. That doesn't do anything to detract from its immense size. It provides hydroelectric energy all over Brazil, both advancing the human condition and detracting from it at the same time. The whole entire process is a paradox. It also provides all of the mining operations in nearby Carajas with their fuel supply. We visited Jacunda Nova, the community that has reassembled itself after Jacunda Velha was flooded with the initial construction of Tucurui. We were able to hear from one of the association's spokesperson on the struggle to obtain basic human rights from Electronorte, the Brazilian Energy company in charge of Tucurui. Since this man had begun the fight, already 12 of his friends had been killed due to the struggle. 12 people. That he personally knew. Not to count all the families that were forced off of their property, either with or without any warning from the company, about the incoming waters. And yet, the man was so...casual about it. "Yeah, 12 of my friends have died". But there's the difference. Not that it is "normal" here...but that there is something more valuable than life that these people struggle for. And that is what I have a hard time grasping. I'm able to see what that principle is, I'm able to say they are fighting for dignity, for rights, and above all, for freedom and liberty, but...I can't feel what those things are.

It wasn't until we went to visit the Eldorado Massacre Memorial along the side of the highway on our way to our rural homestay that this really hit and bothered me, bothered me that I couldn't honestly grasp what would be so important that you would sacrifice yourself. Your family, friends, everyone, would never see you ever again, but more than that is the fact that they would understand exactly what is is you were fighting for, and why. And they would probably do the very same thing. In 1996, I believe, the violence in the south over agrarian reform reached its limit as a group of rural workers fighting for their land were shot by the military. I can't put into words how this place made me feel.

Thus, transitioning from that experience to living with the MST community of Palamres II, the first success story of the MST in Para, was weird. My family was nice, for the most part. My two sisters were very kind and welcoming to me, and talked to me a good deal. My father and mother took more time to warm up to me, but I think that was because this community has has American students living with them every semester for 12 years now. So, unlike our first experience with the ribeirinho families, we were nothing new. My host brothers didn't talk to me the entire time. Oh well. I spent most of my time with various people's families, on and off feeling like it was a crappy experience to feeling like it was a great experience. I did some capoeira, learned some Brazilian dances, swam in a waterfall, talked to Brazilian children, fell down a road and became the town spectacle for 3 days, talked to my father about MST and capitalism, learned that most of my sister's friends are Marxist, read Lenin and Che, and are vegetarians, amongst other things. When it was time to go and return with the group, I was ready, even though I'll miss my sisters and some of the experiences along the way.

We spent the day up in Serra Azul and the surrounding region in the Carajas National Forest to basically take a day to decompress after the heavy several days. Gustavo tried to force learning experiences, we didn't abide. We spent most of the day at a small waterfall. Probably not the best thing for the cuts and scrapes covering my legs. But whatever. It was one of the more magical moments of being in Brazil. Afterwards, we visited several caves with archaeological remains in the National Forest, some of which are being destroyed by Vale, the mining company. Vale has the world's largest iron mining operation in the world here. Without a permit from IBAMA. But nobody really cares. Except from the thousands of workers with deteriorating health conditions. Or the workers who are more or less put into debt peonage to work in these mines, in conditions that equate to human slavery under the aviamento system. Oh the world...I just want to work under environmental justice, environmental/occupational/ecosystem health, and community based participatory research. It's all about empowering people to lead their own lives, in the end. I'm very excited for the opportunity to work with PSA on this topic. No matter what I do, it will be the most satisfying experience of my life. I'm ready, I feel, to be alone and face my fears.

But honestly, most of what I learned in the whole 10 days was about myself, spent in long van rides, sitting alone in my MST room, or reflecting to my iPod. Learning about the things about myself I don't like, and the things I need to change. I was talking to my friend here about the whole thing. "Do you feel like you have changed here so far?"
Certainly.
I have the image in my head of the person I know I have the potential to be, who comes out now and then here in Brazil, like the person I knew in various points in my life. The point now is to figure out those small steps to get their. But having that image and knowing it is real is good enough. I feel like I know who I am, more or less.
I am a genuinely nice person. I try my very hardest to be non-judgmental, to see things from other people's points of view and to try to understand where they are coming from. Being raised as a Quaker, I believe that there is good in everyone to some extent, and so I give people the benefit of the doubt often. I am patient, and don't mind taking people's problems on or letting them vent, because I understand that everyone just needs that sometimes. Yet, my friend asked the right question. She used to be the same way, and would try hard at everything she did, in all of her relationships, and invest a lot in people. Then one day, her friend turned to her and said, "You let everyone step all over you. Why do you try? Why does it even matter?" I give people a lot of chances. Too many. There is no reason to be so patient with the world when the same people will take that gift and reverse is as an opportunity to take advantage of you. It's not that I don't stand up for myself...it's that I hope people will be as good as I hope they can be. I suppose people are just really out for their own interest and aren't interested in reciprocating that generosity.

It's a matter of me just having more faith in myself instead, and being able to know that just because somebody is stubborn, it doesn't make them right at all. On the contrary, they're probably just being more closed minded. And if thats how they will be, then so be it. I also finally feel like I have something worth getting angry about, worth fighting about, and worth pursuing. As I sat out on my MST family's porch waiting for my family to wake up on the last morning there, I just sat and thought about what I really want to do with my life. And what makes me happy. Enough about always putting everyone else's happiness first. I can't help other people be happy if I am miserable. That's not to say I should discard other people; that would be impossible for me. I just need to remember that I am not responsible for how people chose to react. It is possible they are just being rude, or closed minded, or overreacting.

I just want to own a boat, living in a little port town or city in the US, maybe travel for work now and then, and work on health risks revolving around water, aquatic ecology, contaminants, and community empowerment and education.

Overall, the trip was good. Lots of time in vans. We played a game called Essences, which I think will be fun to share. One person thinks of a person in the group, and everyone else in the van has to ask questions such as, "what kind of Disney character would they be", "what kind of animal would they be", etc, and the person gives the response they think sums up that person, and then you all have to guess who they are thinking of. It was a fun little way to see how people perceive you. I feel like at least a few of my friends here know me pretty well:

Animal: the friendly muddy adopted brown dog that everyone loves
Natural disaster: a strong wind storm
Pokemon: Marowak
Planet: Mars
Fruit: a perfectly ripe apple
Tree: birch/beech tree
Type of desert: rocky with cliffs
Cake/Pie: coconut cream pie, but more coconut than cream
Aquatic creature: black tipped reef shark
Human made environmental degradation: car exhaust runoff

There's more, I can't remember. As a whole, I thought this was a good trip. I'll remember sitting around with friends in Maraba stuffing our faces with acai. Long van rides curled up with everyone sharing iPods. Swimming in waterfalls. Feeling angry at life and economics. Not understanding how anyone can call science and technology neutral and objective when they lead to these enormous extractive projects that bring about countless ecological and health hazards. Feeling like I understand myself. Feeling happy at the same time, while having no idea what is going on. Living completely in the present, without thought about future or past. Letting the moment take hold. Independence. Realizing that being on a boat in a river drinking a cup of coffee sitting silently with a friend is one of the most beautiful and enjoyable things I can ever do. Realizing that everything, in the end, works out fine. It's all going to be alright. Knowing that I feel some kind of calling, and that I am the sort of person who will find a way to make it all work, and do it right. Seeing so many butterflies. Feeling like I have the respect of some people here, but more importantly, I feel like I respect myself for beginning to understand the importance of giving myself time and credit to myself. For sometimes realizing that I need to put myself first.

I don't want to save the world. I've never been that kind of person. But I feel like I know what I can contribute to do my part and to give back. Because even if most of the world doesn't give back who should, I know I will. I feel very calm and collected right now. Things are right. Even if they actually aren't. It's ok. In the end, people want their stories told. Not so they can be neatly fitted into some abstract social theory, but so that people can understand and see, to take away social invisibility, and recognize what the things we view as normal do elsewhere in the world. Or maybe not even elsewhere, but very close by. I want to read Haruki Murakami's Underground. It is a collection of stories he put together from 60 interviews after
the Aum Shinrikyo sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway, along with a few of his own reflections. I think people need someone to tell their stories, especially when they are not really in a position to do so. Of course, there needs to be more than that. It can't be academic, because nobody reads those. And thats the whole point.

I'm rambling again. Sorry. It felt really good to hear that my wrestling paper had an actual impact on somebody's life, and was able to put into words what somebody felt they try to accomplish. So that didn't effect some policy or anything, but it affected somebody's life. That's what being a writer is all about. Besides, as I see here in Brazil, not everything can be reduced to a policy change. And even if it could be...it probably wouldn't actually do much. Because not much really gets enforced anyway. It's community organization, grassroots, and...no, it's not. It's more than that, and not as pretentious. It's about people being happy. Finding ways to express themselves, feeling empowered and heard, and finding their own strength inside of them, or that comes from being a part of something bigger, or something like that. I'll see it during my PSA project, I know it. I need to get into art again. I feel free.