round 2

i consider myself to be a very patiet person, but i think ive reached my limit here.

this is a brief update on my past ~6 days in Sao Luis. i arrived at the airport here last tuesday night to find that joao, my advisor, had mistaken when i was coming in to the city and so was not there to talk with me. i took a taxi to the seminary where i met some of the guys, had dinner, and relaxed and got a good nights sleep. the next day i was told joao would be at ASP around 11-12. this seemed a little late for me seeing as by this point i had 2 weeks to do my research. i went to the office and ended up waiting for 3 and a half hours. when he did show up we had a very good talk, which involved him nicely telling me that actually, most of the organizations that i was talking about and thinking about doing a project on had lost a lot of their resources and funding since the late 90s and no longer did the same kind of work. they want to, but simply dont have the finances to do so. this threw me off, as did joao telling me that ASP did not work that much in Sao Luis any more. they ran preparation courses for health council members to help them with legislation, goal setting, finances, and motivation. this seemed pretty cool, as it still fit into my basic rubric of empowerment in a time of development. we ran through 3 basic ideas for a project: do a review of environmental health organizations in the city and what they are/are not able to do, survey several communities about environmental health problems and what they need done, or do a project about the councils and ASPs work. either of these sounded good with me. the next day i came back into the office to ask joao for more help and to read through a large study from two years ago about the state of Sao Luis, its development, and its problems. he gave me a contact with the urban union in the next barrio and suggested that i meet with them to discuss some of these issues. so far, helpful. that friday i went to talk to the union, which was very difficult. i have a hard time understanding the accent here, so i couldn't get a good grasp of what they did and how i could help. what i did get was that about 30% of the city has treated water, but that they, like ASP doesn't do much work in this area of the city. this left me feeling pretty lost and frantically trying to think up project ideas. joao was out of the office until monday as he said in an email, but he would be around monday afternoon to talk more. i spent the weekend at the beach and trying to get a few preliminary emails done about what the problems were in sao luis. i was able to find that some people talked about water problems and pollution, but that the major issue was a lack of help, mostly political in nature. with this in mind, i returned to the office monday afternoon around 11, to be told that joao wasnt coming in until 3:30. so i went back to the seminary feeling pretty let down, but was hoping that joao would be able to help me when he came back. i returned at 3:30 and ended up waiting 3 and a half hours, again, for him to show up. i waited a little so he would be able to check his email and so i wouldnt be a bother, and then went to ask him if, when he was done, if we could talk about my research because i really needed to start on a solid topic by tuesday. he told me no, he was too busy, and wouldnt be able to talk with me until thursday.

at this point i left the building, went back to my room in the seminary, and freaked out. the only reason i came to sao luis was because carlos and gustavo had assured me that joao would be able to help me construct a project, and that he was one of the best people to do so. joao had told carlos that he would be able to help me construct a good project from the tuesday i arrived until that following monday. a whole week to put a good project together. instead, i only got one day, and not much help at that. i got some background on ASP, Sao Luis, and its environmental health concerns, but thats about it. i feel really let down by brazil right now. it was rude enough when PSA emailed me the day before project began to tell me they had no room, but this is different. im an american student who obviously knows nothing about this city and already feels lost. joao knows he is my only contact here, and that he is the only reason i am here, because he told carlos he would be able to help me for a solid week. also, when you say you are going to be at work and able to talk to somebody at a certain time, hold to your word. because right now it is tuesday, i have a little over a week now to do research. that is very little time, and i still dont have a solid method for a project. i dont know this city. i was really counting on joao to help me identify a part of the city to work in, on a specific problem, how to properly interview/what questions to ask, and what the major health/environment organizations are here that i could interview. so far, ive been let down on all four of those counts. im trying to keep a clear head, but its very difficult. i also need to email gustavo my updated 2nd tcr, and apparently we have a take hom 4 page essay due friday that i never recieved the assignment for. i really liked brazil and SIT when the lack of organization contributed to the experience, but right now i honestly feel really fucked over. im praying that bard's credit transfer policy does not transfer grades as well, because it would really suck if my gpa went down because of this programs lack of organization. i mean, who gives 22 kids to gustavo, 1 AD, when SIT programs usually only have 13-15 kids? in 15 minutes i am going to give gustavo a call and beg him for help with this project. hes read my tcrs and is aware of my situation, so im hoping hell be sympathetic about this and really try and help me out. he knows my last plan fell through at the very last minute, i just cant believe the same thing has just happened again. i seriously have no reason whatsoever to be in sao luis if joao is unable to help me. im halfway convinced to just get my flight rescheduled and fly back to belem today just so i can at least have somebody semi-reliable i can talk to to help me put this isp together. because if i am just interviewing communities about what organizations can provide for environmental health problems, i can do that anywhere in amazonia. theres no point in staying here if i have absoletely no help. hopefully carlos and gustavo can help me put together some isp plan they think will be good, help me identify a few groups to talk to, and i can get done interviews today so i dont feel as screwed. i know its just a research project. but i feel personally embarrassed and betrayed by the whole thing. and if it affects my bard gpa, which ive worked so hard for, ill be really angry. i think bards policy is that as long as you get a c or above in a course, the credit will transfer. it never says anything about the grades.

i wish i could just relax right now, go to the beach, and calm myself down. i had such a good project idea earlier. i had everything together. it was something i was really excited about. everybody else has been able to get something together. and the thing is, i dont even have time to meet with somebody else to get a project together, i dont have time to reexplain myself and my situation here in sao luis to anybody else and have them, like the past two organizations here, tell me that they cant help me. its cant happen time wise, and i cant deal with another rejection for this project. i need an idea. and i need one fast. i can do interviews in 5 days. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. thats 6-7 full week days. its pretty easy to find people to interview during the weekday here, impossible on the weekend. if i even just do 5 interviews a day, very doable (i was able to more or less do 3 in an hour yesterday), ill still be good. i just need to have a solid plan together asap. hopefully gustavo can help. i feel like he has had to rescue students during isp with much larger problems than me. lets hope this works. because if not i really dont have any idea what i can do. as i said, im a patient person, i try and give people the benefit of the doubt. but im tired of this. im tired of people being late here. i understand it is a cultural thing, its more laid back. but when you know you have a student who needs you to help him out, and you tell him you can help him, you dont just tell him that you cant talk to him until thursday. at least respond back to his email and try to help the poor guy out. im also just angry because i dont want to be angry. i dont want my last memory here in brazil to be a crappy one. overall, the program has been great. ive seen things and experienced things that have had a huge impact on me. its terrible that because of my anger and sadness right now im blinded to those experiences and what they have given me. yesterday, for example, i bought a can of maracuja juice and sat by the river drinking it. and it made me flash back to the manaus excursion and how wonderful the whole thing was, and of just sitting up on the dech eating creme-de-maracuja with a few friends with the amazonian stars above, without a single light to obscure the view. i dont want to lose sight of the things i have learned here. i dont want to be consumed with anger at sao luis, my potential falling gpa, and other trivial things. but its difficult right now.

otherwise, is sao luis nice? yeah, it can be beautiful. the beach was really nice, some really really beautiful whisps of sand flowing by. i feel bad that i will most likely associate this place with frustration. because it does seem like a very cool place to be