last day in Belem. but first, listen to this, and tell me it isnt the most beautiful thing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qPvJ8FAEg4

im going to miss it here. despite times where ive hated it and been frustrated. deep down, i love it all. i want to come back here with you, whoever is reading. show you why buying a cup of acerola juice can make my day. to buy fresh coconut water. pass by salgado stands. do the gringo run across the street. get frustrated with the brazil whistle. today i got some avacate juice. great. last night was wonderful. getting fresh juice makes it even better. today maura was asking me if i feel like a different person than the one who arrived in Amazonia. she thinks so. i agree. com certeza. im about to go out with her and diego to buy last minute presents. dont talk to me about packing my suitcase tonight. i dont want to think about it. i dont know how successful it will be. ive bought too much. comprei de mais...

when will my next time to speak portuguese actually be? today is so bittersweet on so many levels. so many good things coming to an end. unless i can find a way to make them live on back home. i have a thing of guarana powder im excited about. dammit. im not ready to be home. i am, but im just not ready to leave. or, i just wish we had another free day here. theres too much to do. i might never see my host family ever again, more likely than not. i only have a few more hours with them, you know? damn you simon and garfunkel, and the random guy on youtube who sings it in the way i imagine it being sung. i will lay me down.

im going to go home, set up my hammock, pretend i am back on the boat trip aka the greatest week ever and read the phantom tollbooth. its moments like that from the trip i will miss so much. so much has happened in the past 4 months its insane to think about it. there is so much. and all of it has been helpful. wonderful. beautiful. empowering. and the harder its been, the more rewarding its been in the long run. because i overcame all of my obstacles and bumps in the road on my own. i have found my independence and inner strength to accomplish what i need to. and although its mildly dormant within me, i can feel the presence of somebody who knows they can handle whatever life throws at them. because thats what i did. and stepped up to the task.

im going to learn how to play the portuguese cover of bridge over troubled water on guitar, ive decided. i like my voice in portuguese better. i dont think nancy scheper-hughes was right. i dont think its about a desperate search to find meaning somewhere outside of your normal life. the contrast is part of the process and the beauty. i thought i would find everything i wanted, that comfort of a different culture that perhaps would get me better, here in brazil. i found something in brazil. but very diffierent. because what i found wasnt a feeling on finally belonging at all. but realizing the steps within myself. realizing what culture even really is. realizing that everything ive been looking for is right back home, but its also here, and its also everywhere else in the world i havent been. its no one place thats right for me or anyone. its about putting all those little pieces together and seeing what you can make out of it.

man. crazy stuff. i wish i didnt bring all these books to brazil. no point