to begin, id like to renew this year by saying that the livejournal/personal bemoaning phase of this blog's life cycle is ready to come to a close.

i believe that every once in a while, we all need-no, deserve--to be told we are doing a good job. i think we look past, on a daily level, the strength it takes to live and be content. to be appreciated. and often, sadly, it takes a sad thing to force us to remember the credit we all deserve for living. i have been reading through my old posts in this blog--mostly self-absorbed, focused on advancement--and i stumbled back upon an old quote that inspired me in my last fall. of how the world doesnt need saving. doesnt need people to do what they think will help it. the world needs people who come alive. and we should all do that.

vonnegut had a similar one about writing, about how it confirms our existence. shows us that we are not alone. and too often, we feel alone. i dont think all the policies in the world can confirm the same sensation of an intimate connection. that when i read a certain passage in a prose piece, when i have a wonderful conversation on the train, when i sit in content silence with friends at night, i know my presence in appreciated, desired, and necessary to the better of the whole. and that the same is true for each person, each piece of art, each moment. and it is so easy--so very easy--to be blinded of this simple fact by the everyday pressures of our lives. of school, of our own desire to grow, of finance, of a future. but if we can just be shown through the smallest of daily gestures--the holding of a hand, a smile, a thank you, a thats right--then maybe we will be ok. sometimes i feel, we just need to be reminded.

reminding myself too. trying to rekindle memories like charcoal is of no use to anyone. the fragments contained in the past entries are frozen in time. too much has past since, and it would be silly to assume that they are still relatable to the contemporary. the best thing to do is to begin writing, details of not only my personal thoughts of the self, but of social observation. nature. what have you. the importance is in the don juan quote below. dwelling only on yourself becomes taxing and creates a fatigue that cannot be easily dismissed nor cured. the only remedy to the mental impass i have come across, the feeling of overflow and barriers, is to halt this obsession with me my feelings and my future and direct my attention to the places and people that inspire me. not to call myself selfish, because it isnt a case of that. but that there is so much of this world better to engage with than my own questions of what to make of my own life. a year ago i had complete confidence in that everything works out fine, one way or another. im not sure i buy it to the same extent i did then, but i remain steady in seeing it as a central tenant to who i am. i need to nurture my own soul, and that will not happen through dwelling, always dwelling. time for action instead, and i need to make clear that i better acknowledge those around me and improve my ability to record--for myself and my own expression--those things that make this all worth while.

this post is far more optimistic than it seems, only coming in at a moment of somber reflection and the feeling of reaching a mental limit.

goodnight