its cloudy out and i need the clarity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY

i really wish i knew what i was doing in life. theres so much confusion here, so much confusion home. i need to get away from it all, for a bit, to know. isp will be good. right now it looks like monday tuesday ish. we'll see where that takes me. i hope it will give some perspective, i could use that right now.

this whole semester ive been talking about how all that really matters in the end are the people who matter the most to you. but i also can't be rushed right now. and you knew that was frightening me.

it doesn't help that today i have all day to do nothing. i cant start my isp proposal until i know roughly what and where i will be doing this. and i can't know that until i hear from the psa. which was supposed to be yesterday. i can't outline my project, state my objectives, and formulate my methods and target groups until they tell me what i can do with them. so, all i can do is wait. which sucks.

but at least gustavo really liked my literature review. and acknowledged that im at a good place right now. which is good, because i feel like im behind. so apparently im not.

all the independence and happiness begins to mean little when you know youre hurting someone. but i dont know how to balance here. not like there is much more time left here anyway. but still.

sometimes i would like to know how to break free from myself. and just let the person i know is in there out. its coming through here, i can see it from time to time, when it needs to. i feel it as more of a presence. but not as me yet. and i think thats where i know i need to just break away here. it will be good for me i know that. really difficult, but thats the point. to face those things you are terrified of. im going to be alone with broken portuguese most likely in a small rural community looking at how community based participatory development works in conjunction to risk assessment and community health and the level of collaboration and cooperation between the psa and the community. by myself. perhaps near the end in santarem i will reunite with the other kids from my group who are in the area. but a solid 2 weeks will be just me. ill snap at some point, but thats a good thing. i want to. or, at least i think i need to. at least that will let something out. i think its a good way to end my time here. plus, i need time to process everything in my life right now.

maybe its a good sign that when i look back to pictures from last year i dont quite recognize myself? somewhat physically, but mostly just personality wise. i feel more...knowing of me and whats around here. not as up in the clouds. grounded in something. stronger, to some extent. more sure of myself. not as small. somewhat tougher. not as willing to be pushed around, which comes with a price, i know. but im always polite and patient, perhaps too much so. and im tired of being taken advantage of because of that. perhaps thats the biggest thing ive realized since being here: realizing my limits. i cant be everything for everyone, but i feel like at times thats what is expected. because deep down i need things for myself just as much as everyone else, its just a matter of suppressing that because you view other people as more important. but part of developing your level of confidence is realizing that you too are just as important, and that at times you need to put yourself first. which again is having its price, and i can see that now. which is why a month in general is much needed.

enough of that for now. did you know that much like animals, plants can recognize and communicate with relatives, and share resources with one another?
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/06/070614-plants.html

its amazing, i think. im obsessed with the whole concept of symbiosis in general. there's this great quote by lynn margulis, who first proposed the now accepted but at the time loony theory that eukaryotic cells began as communities of interacting entities, as chloroplasts and mitochondria evolved out of the relationship between protizoans and bacteria, or something like that. the science is on wikipedia. to margulis "life did not take over the globe by combat, but by networking". so, the whole biological history of life isn't just a struggle for existence, but actually looking at how the parts can cooperate together as a whole?

right now i cant think of anything more cool.