liberation.

im looking for it, and now i know its here, somewhere. at first i thought maybe it was just left behind in the dust of brazil, in the dust of Paras dirt roads. over break it was somewhere inside me, or at least thats what i felt, and something began to sap it away. and it wasnt until this weekend, seeing people again from that time, seeing the same issues i cared so much about, and seeing a horde of people who care just as much, that i know i need to look harder here. or go to the place where it is. ive been fairly passive. reaching slightly out of reach, but not far enough. who was it, vonnegut? that we write so that we dont feel alone. i feel alone. and im writing to reach it all. this weekend i wandered on subways around DC, did cartwheels on the dirt, listened to testimonies from impacted community members. i cant think of anything i want more than this summer's opportunity. right now it seems an endeavor of a to b. it wasnt much, but it was invigorating. refreshing. rejuvinating. refinding it all. what was it exactly? the people, the company, my handy friend nostalgia. theres so much nostalgia.

there shouldnt be. it shouldnt get in the way, but it is omnnipresent. classes? in the end thats all they are. i was more excited in 24 hours than i have been all month. for multiple reasons. but whatever they are, thanks. i wish it wasnt a waiting game, on so many levels. who knows, maybe things will all work out.

i made a playlist last night. i need to feed my soul. i need to be myself, ive been finding that becoming harder and harder here. i find myself about people i dont quite care for, shrinking away, rather not dealing with it all. but that isnt the answer. do people understand me here? no, simply. maybe a small handful. this weekend i start boxing and get back to jujitsu. going to the gym on a regular basis is imperative. reading for pleasure is imperative. and back to the point of this all, getting more involved. she was right, i cant just sit and expect things like motivation and passion to fall in my lap, not here. i felt something again this weekend, a few things.