i learned and gained and grew so much over my time in brazil; maybe it was all for nothing if i lose her in the process.

i am not the same person i was last semester. i am not excited, i am not carefree and independent. i want that feeling of power in myself again. that feeling of pride. that feeling of knowing what i want. or maybe i do, but ive just screwed things up enough that it is too late right now, or just not the right time.

i guess all that can happen right now is wait. i dont like the feeling of just going with the grind. its not the same as when i felt like going with the flow; they are completely different. where did it all go? why? why am i such a fuck up?

i want everything to be better. its too much and i cant take it anymore. i cant take feelings dwelling up. i wish there was a way to release it all and become who i want to be/know to be again. i cant take all the loss, loss of self, loss of people i care about, loss of motivation.

what happened? wake up.