something more, something to push

its not that im not working hard...

i just would like something more. something that makes me better. i miss places, things, people, and ideas that make me want to be better, that push me to truly and really rethink myself and whats around me. to challenge me, my ideals, my theories, my thoughts. to question what i hold dear. im some ways, i want someone or something or someplace that respectfully and admirably questions the world we live in, rips it apart, but only enough so to see the glue and webs that hold the whole thing together. i miss and want that again here.

there was a game we would play on the van rides to the south of Para. you think of a person in the van, or the other van-you dont say their name. people ask questions: if they were a disney character, what would they be? if they were a natural disaster, what would they be? eventually, people guess who the person is. it was interesting, seeing what you embodied in characters, places, ideas. here its all more of a vacuum.

what im trying to say is, the title of this blog: people and places take you in, absorb you, make you relinquish control. its that letting go, that submission, that sets you free. it takes you apart and repieces you, you the way you feel it to be. it challenges you to see flaws, fix them, become better. thats what a vortex is to me. the kind of transformation that tears you apart but keeps you completely together. because when you become ripped apart, you see all the connections between the parts. finally visible, you can embrace them.

its not that im not looking-there just isnt quite that here. in the end, you cant throw yourself into classes. they arent the totalizing experience im looking for. i want something new everyday. when you walk into a classroom and everybody sits in the same seats, that isnt absorptive, its the grind. i suppose its more of a wake up call to mix things up, but mixing them up isnt enough. i want crazy, illogical, unknowable, weird, fucked up, messy. chaos, isnt that the word? i want chaos in people, in time, in books, in places. i dont want things to make sense, i dont want things to be clear to me. i dont even want to be in control. i just want to let go, relax, and take myself along and learn. along that path id like to be challenged by those im close to. id like to open up and talk, by doing so learning more about who i am, who others are. its hard here and i keep trying and keep feeling that it doesnt go anywhere. no progress, just a circle. at least vortexes get somewhere: the bottom of things. the core, the origin, call it what you like. life, the spark. what did the ancients think of the soul? a spark, the life force. i just want to know it.

here i am. i have a beta fish in my room. a box of oat cereal on the floor. its 2:02 am, i feel like a lost character in a book, not the positive learning kind of lost. not hero-wandering-in-the-desert-lost. not edmond dantes locked in prison for 13 years lost. its not quite a confront yourself lost. well, thats not true. its about confronting yourself, but not about testing those limitations, learning painfully what they are. maybe overcoming them here and there. but the failures push forward. i know this is all so abstract and thats fine. in some sense i want to be like eisely-i havent even finished his book-and reflect on the history of life. in the end isnt it all chaos? isnt that what every scientific discipline tells us in the end? social, humanities, natural-boom here we go.

some of me knows after college it would be best to work and then grad school it up. but thats too safe. brazil taught me the safe way is the useless way (its easy to say "the easy way"). i dont want safe, i dont want comfort. we dont really learn in college because its all so safe. and when its safe theres no need to test yourself and escape. theres no need not just to think outside but also to go outside. see it for yourself, you know? say no to comfort and dreams of a safe cozy future-i want to explore and get lost again. adventure. i want to sail on a boat and learn at the docks, at the ports, at the bars. have the most absurd, and therefore wonderful, of conversations. get lost in a language barrier. get lost in facing my limitations. man i harp on this. but its true, can't you see? then its not nostalgia, because its possible to feel this everywhere-just not here. im not yearning for brazil at all really, im yearning for that experience. experIEnce. into earth? reality? i want dirty hands, callused hands, rope burn, finger cuts, insomnia. i want nights listening to music far away, not from an iPod or stereo but from hands. something that reminds me of intimacy, existence?

http://microscopyu.com/moviegallery/pondscum/metopus/

if i can find it in a single cell, cant it be anywhere? there has to be some sort of philosophical treatise on this. theres absolute and sheet chaos in a drop of pond water.