memory, whales, dreams, microscopes

i go to a good school. i am taking interesting classes this semester, on population ecology, on the ways groups use memories for political purposes, on the first microscopic images, on environmental mapping, and on improving my nonfiction writing style. and i like it, so far. i like what i learn. but i dont like having to make the connection on my own all the time. this isnt doing anything. thats a typical liberal arts kid complaint, but i cant help thinking about it. the greeks had a saying about knowledge. they believed it to be the most important thing in the world nearly, but if you have knowledge, you need to use it. or else it just sits there. and is pointless.

and i cant really help but think that i feel very pointless being back here. i like it. ive missed my friends. ive missed my professors. ive missed being around all these people that actually seem interested in what i did over the semester and what i want to do. i met with one professor today and we talked about brazil for a long time. and then the question, well, what do you want to do with all of this. good point diana, good point.

so much. public health, applied social research, disease ecology. i dont know. it would be nice to feel a purpose. and in brazil i felt like we were given the purpose to be witnesses. or something like that. and now im back here, afraid that i am just slipping back into normal bard mode, and i dont want to lose what ive gained. and need to find something to grab hold of and feel meaningful. im going to go to the meeting this week about bard's prison education program. im going to go to ju-jitsu this saturday. im going to be on the search committee for a geography professor. being in amazonia taught me that family and friends though, in the end, are what matter most. doing what you can to help where you are matters most. so what am i doing?

part of me feels ready to go off and be alone. i feel a disconnect with people here so far, a difficulty relating. i strive for the sense of open, wandering, liberating, freedom, purpose, and bonds i had in amazonia. perhaps i do need to move on with my life. i still feel a sense of difference. i dont feel any overwhelming sense of fear. i still feel more capable. still articulate. just...out in the open cold.

and i know i can make these connections and make these things relevant and useful. i always keep a section of my notebooks just for those moments when i feel like ive made a connection. and they are great moments. its the strangeness of being back, its overwhelming, to be honest.

i know it will work out, and i have hope. all the same, theres an emptiness to being back.