making eels mops in my free time

http://www.orionmagazine.org/

i think it would be a sort of dream job to do environmental health work and write for a magazine like that.

im feeling decent. school seems better, i just know i cant lose hold of those things i gained from brazil. its frustrating sometimes how different the atmosphere is, and im not quite used to it. does everything right now need to have a purpose? im not sure, and im conflicted about it. in the end, im pretty sure as long as you are reading things that challenge your mind and make you think then everything is ok. but at the same time, i have trouble applying how reading the original microscope manuscript has any bearing on the present. even if i do find it interesting....is that really enough? like...maybe its not right of me to say, but when i know there are so many people out there without a college education who deserve so badly to have one, shouldn't i make more out of what i have? not that i dont take full advantage of it or anything. i dont know, it confuses me and hurts my head. but i know i am studying the importance of community, and in the end thats what matters. or something.

yes. i like what i am studying and enjoy my classes this semester, so far they are off to a great start. im very excited about the writing class. our professor has a phd in english literature, and then realized he hated academic prose. so hes going to work with us on doing just that, and writing interesting and artistic things to a broader audience. which i think is so important.

i did brazilian ju jitsu yesterday, and am going to commit myself to it fully. it felt so good to be doing something like that again. and it gives me incentive to train. really train. sometimes i think its at times like those that i feel the most alive. i think between jujitsu and writing, spending time looking at stuff under microscopes, catching eels in the sawkill river and raising daphnia in the ecology lab, making maps, and understanding the importance of memory to social movements and social change and activism, i will get there.

and so ive been thinking about what else i need to do to feel independent, content, and free. and i know the answer to that, and it is hard to figure out what to do. but im pretty sure what i do need is to be on my own, and as in brazil, find my own path here. besides, im never very good at this sort of thing. plus, its time to make amends. i do wish all this was simpler, and that knowing what/how to do was easy. but, im also not afraid, in general. thank you brazil. its good to feel a sense of real strength again. and strength comes from doing the right thing. which ive been trying to slowly do in general. be a better friend, better son, better student. if i compare myself from last semester at bard to now, yes, i do feel better, improved, and in a lot of ways, new. even if bard does make me feel sucked back into the old at times, i know the me i know deep down is there, but not as hidden anymore.

for eco&evo we are making eel mops to catch eels in the sawkill. which entails ripping apart thick rope thread by thread.