i want spontaneity. i want dreams. i want random, even chaos will do.

and im not finding that here. bard was fine for two years, but after last semester, this is nothing. i find myself asking, almost weekly, "why bother?"

i think back to what my l&t professor told me-"you're the kind of person who will really succeed here." and i have. my grades are great. im quiet in class discussion, but contribute good points when i feel the need. im a strong writer and thinker. not overly critical, able to emphasize with authors, their plights, their imperfections. i listen, i consider, i give. i have a sense of seriousness. maybe sometimes i take things at face value, but thats because its too much to be critical all the time, and that misses the mark anyway.

and i know i will succeed. no worries there. i try to hard and am too determined to make something of myself and to prove myself to ever fail. and im too patient to just give up. and put too much faith in people to become self absorbed. but then i let dreams carry me away into thought. sometimes i would rather just isolate myself than to go interact with people and be false. at least im me alone. i guess that makes me a bit of an introvert. then again, thats what descartes did for a day. served him well.

but i cant deal with everything being the same day after day. i learn new things, but other than that it is routine. im glad spring is here and the weather makes me content and lively. i feel stiffled by my friends sometimes. some of them. i feel almost like im insane, or should feel like i am insane-everyone treats things i want to do as crazy. which might be true, but whats the fun of just sitting around watching youtube or going to kline? no, sorry, but id rather just go randomly drive somewhere, randomly do something. anything. last weekend a friend and i just randomly ordered a large pizza and played video games and then i passed out. kind of boring, but sponteneous and fun.

sometimes i do handstands on the grass. people think im weird. ive stopped caring.

if my job ends up being anything other than field-based, i think ill go crazy in a bad way. teaching wouldnt be as bad, im sure that it must be fun seeing peoples minds open up daily. who knows. i guess one could just say the same of learning as a student, and see how well that turns out...

i want to end up talking about gift theory randomly for an hour. i want to go down and swim by the waterfall. i want to walk to red hook. i want to read calvino out loud. i want to wrestle. i want to be taken seriously, because these arent just weird or crazy antics. theyre expressions of doing something rather than swimming along. im at this small hipster alternative indie school. why is it hard to find people who want to do random shit? everyone tells me im really chill. that i end up doing whatever, hanging out with whoever, etc. its more of a desperate search and throwing my arms out there for anything to fall into them. i dont care. really, i dont. i just want to feel alive, not dead stuck in traffick. today i had two two-hour lectures. i almost fell asleep in both.

write write write do.