i was thinking of writing a frustrated post, but then went to the gym. and that helps. it doesnt help the continual feeling of wtf, but whatever.

its hot out, supposed to be 88 degrees. i have so much work to do, half my friends finish project on wednesday, and then next weekend is spring fling, which by no means can suck and must inherently be awesome and epic. that gives me less than a week to get my shit together and get stuff done. monday and tuesday this week are no classes. my writing class is cancelled. next week, after spring fling, is boards week, in which social studies classes are cancelled, and of course bio will still be in session, with lab report after lab report due. this gives me two weeks to write rough drafts of my anthropology and my history papers, because after that ill have biology exam, a GIS take home. blah. also, no job during commencement. dont know where ill stay. oh well. doesnt really matter. ill figure it out, as usual-thats the fun of it anyway.

other than that there isnt much to say. for bio we went down to tivoli bays and the waterfall to do some sampling. walking around in the water is always fun. went out on the roof yesterday and did some (some) work. sat in the conference room in robbins and did homework. went to smog, it sucked. bought a pizza. ate it. played video games. another boring friday night. room draw # 203. .. or is it 230? dont remember, its not that bad. maybe ill live in new robbins. or just stay here in my room i have now. i like the set-up.

god this is boring and pointless.

the summer needs to come around, soon. classes feel mundane as they have the whole semester. i guess im excited about the "course" im trying to put together for the summer. i am. im ready to get into something where respect and participation are involved. bard gets old.

this is just rediculous. im tired of plans and rules and scheming. the whole constraining thing just isnt ringing with me. this time last semester i wanted to honestly just do whatever. go with where life takes me. its something inescapable i know, its just the way things are nowadays right? i look at graduate school programs and get the feeling that i need to map everything out, plan plan plan. and planning is important, it helps you get to where you need to go. but it also constrains and makes me claustrophobic. and i have the tendency, or did, to plan, and try and make everything make sense in my head before it goes into action. think and write before i speak. wouldnt want to feel stupid, after all. but i believe that its the spontenous things that we learn the very most from. and since i love to learn, i should just be spontaneous and do things. which i did last semester, because i felt the environment and culture to welcome it instead of dismiss it as something childish, as seems the case here. i dont really want to know what im doing or where im going. truth reveals itself along the path. i dont feel like outlining for my paper. cant i just do it? i dont feel like outlining my future 5 years, cant i just do it? gah.

its why i just need to get away, a fullbright would be great but lets be serious here, its doubtful. i mean i would love to spend the next year of my life post college on a boat learning about riverside health or something. maybe it wouldnt be "anthropological enough", but thats getting old too. ive been a while since ive got to just let it out and rant. what is superstructure...who cares?

working out helps. i dont know where the spontenous people in my life have gone. i think my friends think im actually crazy. but nobody really does anything here. and im not quite crazy enough to be that person who initiates the weird stuff...well, sometimes. everyone feels so lifeless all the time, and im guilty of that as well. but its 88 degrees out and i want to go to blithwood and do homework. i want to go run around in the woods. i want to go fishing. i want to do cartwheels. i really dont care. just anything that makes the daily grind less boring. driving to dunkin donuts or hannafords or the case station doesnt really cut it. Brazil was so spontaneous and fun! there were so many "seriously guys what the fuck is going on" moments. and thats what i miss. so dont sit and tell me im nostagic. nostalgia implies some longing for stable place, security. there was nothing secure and stable about Brazil, only the opposite, nothing ever made sense. and it was great, liberating. all i want here, and i know college isnt quite made for that. experimental learning is more my thing. not lectures and discussions. let me do something, and ill learn that way. ill get dirty and hurt, and it will be awesome.

and thats what i miss and thats what ive always missed and thats what ive always wanted, and want now more than ever. almost in a painful way. just so you know.