im off to reggae island?

I am currently the envy of all other ISP projects.

I went from having no idea what I was going to do after PSA emailed me saying they would have no room in their programs, to now having an excellent and open ISP plan that will work out perfectly. For the next 3 weeks I will be doing research in Sao Luis, the capital city of the state of Maranhao, still located within the legal Amazon. I will be working with the ASP, a public health organization committed to community empowerment with connections to the church. I will be working under Joao-Marie Vandamme, a French sociologist and health researcher who was a favorite professor of Carlos, one of our professors here. Right now my project is very broad and vague: I want to do anything concerning environmental health and community participation/collaboration in order too 1) see how participatory health research can be successful in a environmental context 2) how collaboration leads to better detection and community prevention of environmental health risks and 3) for myself, to gain experience in community based participatory health so that I can return to the US with this skill and use it at home.

I don't know that much about Sao Luis. I will be living in a Seminary, which I am looking forward to as a intense life altering experience amongst 15 or so priests. I leave Tuesday the 11th and return to Belem the 27th, Thanksgiving, in order to give myself a week to analyze and process data and write my report. Overall I have a pretty solid plan of action. Joao is available from Sunday the 9th to the 15th, so from Tuesday to Thursday I will spend my time observing and learning about Sao Luis, the environmental and development related health concerns, and getting to know basic introductions and connections in the community and the ASP organization, learning about how it functions, its aims, and so forth. Thursday night I will submit my updated ISP and ethical review for human subjects application to Gustavo, and the Friday will be the IRB meeting to approve my project. If all goes well I will hear back by the board by Sunday, and can commence research on the following Monday, and still have a solid 10 days to conduct interviews and surveys. Once Joao and I formulate a project that works in conjunction with something they are working on and could use help with, I will have a good idea of the groups of people I will need to interview, and so forth.

It will be amazing. Besides how great this whole ordeal seems to be (I briefly talked to Joao on the phone just now to let him know when my flight will be arriving, he was very nice and generous, I feel bad that my portuguese is crummy and that there is a high chance I came off as rude on the phone), the city itself and the environment I will be in sound even better. Both the Seminary and the ASP are on the same block in the Historic District of the city, which was declared a national heritage site. Sao Luis in general is an island surrounded by beaches, mangrove forests, beautiful streets, coffee shops, and, again, beautiful beaches. Along with a large public library, and areas free of electricity or buildings. Just sand, water, books, small bars, coffee, chill reggae music, a notebook, and me. Or as Carlos said with envy, "some places there you can go to the beach and feel like you are not in the 21st century, but 200-300 years ago". How awesome. I also feel really honored that I am going to be working with Joao-Marie, who Carlos has a lot of respect for. He'll make me work really hard, but that will make this project all the better.

From what I've found so far, Sao Luis has its share of ecologically-based health problems. From the heavy development as elsewhere in Brazil and the Amazonian states, especially from companies like VALE or ALCOA (which is an aluminum mining company from Pittsburgh...what a weird coincidence), there exist a lot of occupational health risks for mining workers, as well as a good deal of water pollution from these extractive industries. I'm guessing some sort of pollution by product will end up being what I focus on, which will be really interesting. The mangroves are also an important buffer to filter many of these pollutants, so while my research would be focusing on health at hand, I could factor such things into an overall discussion of ecological public health, which I am using along with the theories of community health, participatory research methods, epidemiological transition stages, and issues of science and expertise to frame my project around. Either way, this will be a mind opening experience into the worlds of popular epidemiology, community development, and environmental justice. I'm also really looking forward to working with the church association. In general, I think I am imagining this project more as a mini-internship experience more than anything else. In a good way. And while I'll miss my friends while I'm away, I think it's also really good that I'll be alone the whole time.

It just finished the usual afternoon rain here, so of course being in the hammock with my laptop doing some research with the cool post-rain wind coming through the window is pretty great. Also, in case there is any confusion, the pictures I've randomly and chaotically spread through this post are either of Sao Luis looking beautiful or of my friends and I during our Brazilian Halloween party/celebrating Obama's victory by making grilled cheese sandwiches.

Tchau e saudades

Shit

shit shit shit. i just recieved an email from the PSA that there is no room in their entire, the whole entire health sector of their organization. so they can't have me come work with them.

shit!

i need to think up a new project. fast. i can either find a new component of the PSA to work with, or try and find another organization with similar environmental health components.

shit! shit! shit!

im trying not to freak out. but technically, ISP starts tomorrow. tomorrow.

its cloudy out and i need the clarity

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY

i really wish i knew what i was doing in life. theres so much confusion here, so much confusion home. i need to get away from it all, for a bit, to know. isp will be good. right now it looks like monday tuesday ish. we'll see where that takes me. i hope it will give some perspective, i could use that right now.

this whole semester ive been talking about how all that really matters in the end are the people who matter the most to you. but i also can't be rushed right now. and you knew that was frightening me.

it doesn't help that today i have all day to do nothing. i cant start my isp proposal until i know roughly what and where i will be doing this. and i can't know that until i hear from the psa. which was supposed to be yesterday. i can't outline my project, state my objectives, and formulate my methods and target groups until they tell me what i can do with them. so, all i can do is wait. which sucks.

but at least gustavo really liked my literature review. and acknowledged that im at a good place right now. which is good, because i feel like im behind. so apparently im not.

all the independence and happiness begins to mean little when you know youre hurting someone. but i dont know how to balance here. not like there is much more time left here anyway. but still.

sometimes i would like to know how to break free from myself. and just let the person i know is in there out. its coming through here, i can see it from time to time, when it needs to. i feel it as more of a presence. but not as me yet. and i think thats where i know i need to just break away here. it will be good for me i know that. really difficult, but thats the point. to face those things you are terrified of. im going to be alone with broken portuguese most likely in a small rural community looking at how community based participatory development works in conjunction to risk assessment and community health and the level of collaboration and cooperation between the psa and the community. by myself. perhaps near the end in santarem i will reunite with the other kids from my group who are in the area. but a solid 2 weeks will be just me. ill snap at some point, but thats a good thing. i want to. or, at least i think i need to. at least that will let something out. i think its a good way to end my time here. plus, i need time to process everything in my life right now.

maybe its a good sign that when i look back to pictures from last year i dont quite recognize myself? somewhat physically, but mostly just personality wise. i feel more...knowing of me and whats around here. not as up in the clouds. grounded in something. stronger, to some extent. more sure of myself. not as small. somewhat tougher. not as willing to be pushed around, which comes with a price, i know. but im always polite and patient, perhaps too much so. and im tired of being taken advantage of because of that. perhaps thats the biggest thing ive realized since being here: realizing my limits. i cant be everything for everyone, but i feel like at times thats what is expected. because deep down i need things for myself just as much as everyone else, its just a matter of suppressing that because you view other people as more important. but part of developing your level of confidence is realizing that you too are just as important, and that at times you need to put yourself first. which again is having its price, and i can see that now. which is why a month in general is much needed.

enough of that for now. did you know that much like animals, plants can recognize and communicate with relatives, and share resources with one another?
http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2007/06/070614-plants.html

its amazing, i think. im obsessed with the whole concept of symbiosis in general. there's this great quote by lynn margulis, who first proposed the now accepted but at the time loony theory that eukaryotic cells began as communities of interacting entities, as chloroplasts and mitochondria evolved out of the relationship between protizoans and bacteria, or something like that. the science is on wikipedia. to margulis "life did not take over the globe by combat, but by networking". so, the whole biological history of life isn't just a struggle for existence, but actually looking at how the parts can cooperate together as a whole?

right now i cant think of anything more cool.

YES

I just returned back to the apartment after watching/celebrating the elections, and all I can say is...

Yes we can.

I am so full of hope and happiness.

HELLS YEAH

It's been a while since I've actually felt that moved during a speech. There's this wave of optimism that I really can't explain, but am sure that everyone I know back home feels as well. And thats the amazing part about it all.

Getting There

Pardon my lack of energy right now.

Just finished my portuguese written final as well as my thematic seminar final.

My brain is pretty dead. So, it will be even more so once I finish watching the election tonight.

Lots of writing today. Basically about the same thing over and over: whose model of development, for whom?

Basically, I just got to, in extension, write about the main concepts spinning around my ISP. Which technically begins on Friday. To which I still haven't been able to get in contact with the PSA. Carlos is going to call them today. I hope that works out. Tomorrow I'm meeting with Gustavo to talk about the project. It'll all work out. As soon as I get a thumbs up from the PSA and Gustavo I can crank out all the paper work and such that I need to do. Like the IRB and Ethical Review Board for Human Subjects. Grand.

There was fresh pineapple in the fridge today. Exciting. Today was also our last day of class, which means we wont officially see each other as a group until December. Which means, as Susan and I were talking about, there are definitely people from this group that I won't see until December. Month is a long time. Strange. Hopefully I'll get to chill with some people before we all leave, although Apple, Ups, Meaghan, and Gina might all be in Santarem as well. Sounds cool.

My leg is looking a lot better. Thank god.

A Brazilian Halloween

Or, a very very surreal day.

I spent most of my day avoiding all the work I need to do for ISP preparation or studying for our exams on Tuesday. I read a good deal more of In an Antique Land, I really enjoy the way Ghosh writes. There's something very casual yet serious at the same time about it. Plus, he weaves together his own life narrative of living in an Egyptian rural village and that of the Jewish merchant traveling with his Indian slave quite masterfully.

Around five I suited up in my Halloween costume and met up with Emily at the corner of Lomas, since we live extremely close to one another. I was a cowboy, which quickly turned into me just being Woody from Toy Story, which mean that I received a lot of fun comments from random passer-bys as Emily and I made the 25 minute walk to Susan and Will's home, where we also met with Gina and Lynn. Emily was our 100% Jesus Convee Van, Susan and her host brother were Pinky and the Brain, Will was um peixe, which means he just covered his shirt in plastic plates ie fish scales, Gina was a flower, and Lynn was a farmer, with Karina and Ups as her animais da fazenda, a sheep and a cow, respectively. From Susans we hopped on the bus in full costume and rode to Greenville, a private walled/electric fenced-off community for the incredibly wealthy class in Belem. So, obviously, we met an American couple there from California who gave us candy as trick-or-treaters. I would say I can place that up there as one of the more surreal moments of my life. I can't even begin to imagine what going back to the US will be like.

Maya's family was hosting the party, and I have to say they were incredibly generous people, seeing as Brazilians are insane and easily stay up blasting all kinds of music until 4-5 am, aka when I went to sleep. Everyone brought some kind of food to the party so there was a lot to eat, most of it involving cake, homemade quacamole and hummus, cookies, Halloween candy, amongst other things. Nigel, Neil, and I decided to be typically American and instead just buy gin and tonic water. Classy. Nigel came dressed up as, well, perhaps the best costume of the night, which was only rivaled by Neil's, to be honest. He came as Gustavo (our Academic Director)'s arch nemesis, Captain Deforestation, which included a get up in red tights and top, a green Brazilian speedo, a cape, and toy axe. Neil, on the other hand, came as a piece of white trash in the style of Joe Dirt. Cut off jean shorts, a black tank top, big sunglasses, and, most importantly, an actual mullet and mutton chops. My costume, obviously, did not have such kinds of commitment.

The night, in general, involved a lot of dancing, a lot of people stuffing their faces, a lot of bad American pop, Brazilian pop, and fun/terrible mixes of both. Also swimming in the pool. And apparently, according to Maya, a lot of drama between Brazilian couples. Fun. For the 6-7 of us who actually slept over, waking up was a surprise when Maya's host mother had a full spread of breakfast complete with bread, coffee, fruit, juice, cheese, cake, cereal, fun stories about the previous night, and awkward moments. When I finally got home on my bus I was surprised to find nobody home, which made me feel bad, because even though I had told Maura that I would probably be sleeping over at Maya's because it would be safer that way rather than taking a taxi home at 5 am, I never was actually able to call her to confirm that I was sleeping over, seeing as my phone-and apparently everyone else's for that matter-ran out of credits. So, I decided to grab my Ghosh, set up my hammock outside, and read. Which translated into me falling asleep from 1-5, waking up, and realizing that while in my slumber Maura and Diego had come home, eaten lunch, showered, and left for church.

...

But, Maura just came home and seemed totally fine with everything. I think here in Brazil people just accept the fact that, for example, parties go incredibly late and wild, and so while I apologized a million times, I think its all ok. To make up for it, I ate a lot of açaí, because apparently Maura and Lea both think I'm not eating enough and am losing weight. Which I think is funny, because if I am, its probably all muscle. Because the only exercise I get all day is the 15 minute walk to school and the few push ups and sit ups I do at night.

I now feel slightly sleepy, but am enjoying the guitar at the bar down the road, and things are good. As long as I don't think about the insane amount of work I need to do this week. Not to mention watch the election. But, I know it will all turn out ok. Because every other SIT Amazonia student here has done it, and I know for a fact I am more organized and capable of getting my stuff together than many I'm sure.

Ate logo

Symbiosis and Darkness

Last night I had a fully functional conversation with a taxi driver in portuguese. It felt great. Much better than the really awful cheesecake/strange drink concoction.

In a week we leave to do our ISPs. There is a lot of work to do before then, but its all very exciting.

Tonight is a Halloween party, so I'm taking the rest of the day off to chill, read some more of my Amitav Ghosh book, and lay in my hammock. Possibly go shopping later.

I think this is the coolest quote ever that really hits me right now: "You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star"-Nietzsche

I'm figuring my ish out. I want to one day have a boat, work within the field of environmental epidemiology/community health/disease ecology, and creative science writing. Perhaps live in the Northwest for a while, or anywhere near a port. And thus, here's a reading list I've created for myself. I have a bunch of books at home I've bought under impulse, so I figure selling those on Amazon.com will give me enough money to buy a lot of these books used. It's a very tentative list, but most of it incorporates to some extent travel diaries and personal reflections on place, biology, disease history, symbiosis, mixing fiction and reality, the dark side of human nature, ie, everything I'm interested in. I feel like I could be perfectly content with my life working on environment and health issues while on the side enjoying life on a boat writing books. With coffee of course.

• The Vortex: Jose Eustasio Rivera
• Cosmicomics: Italo Calvino
• Invisible Cities: Italo Calvino
• The Teachings of Don Juan: Carlos Castenada
• One River: Wade Davis
• A Golden Age: Tahmima Anam
• Underground: Haruki Murakami
• Kafka on the Shore: Haruki Murakami
• Risk Society: Ulrich Beck
• Politics of Nature: Bruno Latour
• Ocasiao The Marquis and the Anthropologist: George Marcus
• Street Science: Jason Corburn
• The Ghost Map: Steven Johnson
• Medical Anthropology in Ecological Perspective: Ann McElroy
• Biography of a Germ: Arno Karlen
• Man and Microbes: Arno Karlen
• No Safe Place: Phil Brown
• Citizens, Experts, and the Environment: Frank Fischer
• The Plague: Albert Camus
• Heart of Darkness: Joseph Conrad
• Pedagogy of the Oppressed: Paulo Freire
• The Great Transformation: Karl Polanyi
• The Invisible Pyramid: Loren Eiseley

Everything looks quite promising. Life in general, to be honest. Has its downs, to be sure, but the present is too beautiful to leave to worry. It's not so much running from life as it is searching to find that something inside myself, or at least finding a way to just finally let it all out. All the searching is paying off. I feel that if I just start doing some sort of physical activity again, such as ju jitsu or some form of fighting where I feel very much me, everything will fall into place. I'm trying to look into somewhere around home for winter break. Although, if I get accepted into the winter ecosystem class, I'll be up in NY for most of January. I'm pretty into water/wind vortexes right now. I feel like they sum up my existence. I can't wait to read some of these books above. Will said he would lend me One River by Wade David is he finishes it before ISP, and Karina said I could borrow Murakami during ISP as well. However, I think it's Biography of a Germ and Cosmicomics that I am most exicted about. I love actually reading books that incorporate biology, fiction, and reflection. Back home I have The Invisible Pyramid, and right now I'm kind of kicking myself for not bringing it with. It was written after the lunar landing during the celebration for space exploration, yet he writes about how there isn't much reason to go study "the cosmic prison of space" when there is so much mystery right here in front of us on Earth, whether it by phenomena of a physical, chemical, biological, or cultural nature. It's dark, but only slightly so. Subtly. But that's my favorite type. Funny enough, he was an anthropologist, ecologist, science writer, and poet. Could I want anything more? Ha. He's known for his writing style called the concealed essay, which basically merges together scientific language with literary style. Sounds great.

From Wikipedia..."Instead of simply seeing the world as a set of scientific facts and figures, Eiseley used science to look for the deeper meaning of life, even while freely admitting that science could not answer all of the mysteries of existence."

Calvino is supposed to be amazing as well. I need to get into literature more. I'm kind of done with theory, for now at least. This is much more interesting. Like Eiseley above, theories, facts, and figures aren't the world. The people who make meaning out of them are. It's those little meanings that make up culture, and thus I like my track right now. Somewhere between out there in space, and grounded in here. I like that. Symbiosis in general, and how different life forms impact human culture and vice versa to some extent, whether its plants and humans, diseases and humans, or the discovery of space, is so cool. Or wasps and fig trees. I think I just need to embrace being a little out of the box at times.